Sleepless Nights...

It’s past three in the night, I’m wide awake, trying to find sleep that is successfully evading me. So I decided to do the one thing I like to do the most, vent my frustration in words. Frustration! Now there’s a word and emotion I know everything about. Sadly it was only in the last few months that I learned so much about it. Ever been in a situation where there is a wonderfully delicious cake sitting in front of, but your mouth is taped up, and your hands are tied behind your back? That is as close as I can get to describing the feeling. You go through the day with a feeling of vagueness, and restlessness at the same time. And for the life of you, you can’t put a finger to what exactly is causing this unnatural feeling of unease. Your vitals are perfect; your surroundings are alright, you are getting food, good food. And yet in spite of all the creature comforts accorded to you, nothing seems to satisfy you. Ever felt all of this? Then you will understand to a certain extent what I feel each day. It’s hard to explain. Anyway, it’s like talking about spilt milk. I don’t know why I wrote that last bit! It just sounded really nice and intelligent. Which you might have guessed by now that I am most definitely not! Intelligence and I have had a long love-to-hate each other affair. I guess you could say that it’s one of the longest relationships I’ve had till date. Any one who knows me even a little bit would know that acting rationally, intelligently is not my forte. Ask my best friend she’ll testify to my lack of brain power! The saying common sense isn’t that common, kind of applies to me most accurately! In all my 20 odd years on earth I’ve never behaved in a manner acceptable by a person of my age. I’ve defied authority in ways inconceivable by normal beings, I’ve always leaped before I looked, always spoken first thought about my words later. You could say that is one of the reasons why as a child I never really had many friends. You know how in school and college everyone has their social groups and circles; well I was the lone ranger of all the batches, classes and groups. I’m no sociopath, so don’t get me wrong. I have friends, and some really good ones, it’s just that I’ve never really been part of a large social group. Never attended parties, never hung out at malls with a huge group of people, never gone for reunions. All these concepts are truly alien to me. While in school I was the silent ignored child sitting quietly in her corner, undisturbed by the class unless it was to be made the butt of jokes or unjustified teasing. I distinctly remember once in a PTA my class teacher had actually asked my folks if I knew how to talk! Of course I was talked about. That was simply because I was the oddity that did not belong anywhere. This feeling of being an alien to the society I was with, hung on to me, still surrounds me. I’m nearly through with my higher education, and I can still say that in all these years in college I’ve managed to remain away from the regular social groups, and circles. Always a loner. See, now don’t get me wrong again, I have friends, it’s just that all of them aren’t a group. They belong to different social circles, but I have a friend in each of them. My inability to be a diplomat is one of the reasons why I never really blended into the crowd. I always stuck out like a sore thumb. Some say I’m too blunt, and some say I’m just plain weird. It really isn’t my fault I had divorced parents, and that it was always my grandmother who came to take my report cards. But these things made a difference. How does one explain at the age of 6 that her parents chose to stop living together? How does one explain at the age if 12 that her father was dating her primary class teacher? It’s a bit irrational to expect kids of that age to understand the intricacies of human behavior. And as a result, I ended up the odd one out. Now it would have been completely different, if my mother had just simply died. Then maybe, just maybe things would have been different. Instead, here I was, 6 years old and the product of a broken household and a dysfunctional family. Oh dear! I’m rambling now. Anyway, so like I was saying I’ve basically been a loner. So why now when I’m sitting ALONE at home at 4 am, does the thought of being alone scare me so much? I wonder. Every one has their days, I guess it just wasn’t mine, and I’m guessing tomorrow in spite of being a Sunday won’t be mine either. Thank heaven for the fact that in a week and half I’m off for a break. Maybe that will help. Oh! Who am I kidding? Nothing will. Oh! Dear now I’ve written too much. I think I’ll stop here, before I write something I’ll regret writing and reading later! If there is one I detest, it’s regretting!