Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Forever and Always

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”
- Neil Gaiman

It is not easy to feel that vulnerable and to be able to live with it. And you know that you and I will never be one, never together. And yet you will forever and always have the power to reach inside me and mess me up. I trust you enough to know you will never do it. I want to believe I hold the same power over you, that you feel me as I will always feel you. We met in a fleeting moment of time, and just like the delicate fluttering of a butterfly's wings, it was gone.

It will take an eternity to comprehend that I will never feel your touch again, never wrap myself like a second skin around you, never laugh with you in the middle of a kiss again. For those few moments, you made me feel like the most special being on the planet, you your queen, that you worshiped with your lips, your hands, your almost reverent touch. For those few moments, time stood still and nothing but you and me existed. I will never be able to blink without a flash back to our time together. The way you made me feel, I have never felt before. I could be uninhibited and free in your arms, say what I want, do what I want, be who I am. And I felt you feel it too. I saw you  lose yourself, I heard you say what you would never dare to, I saw you struggle with leaving. I felt you resist it, know we will never meet again. Those few moments, I think we were truly two bodies with one soul. 

As I lay  there that last night, watching you doze off, committing every tiny freckle on your face to memory, I thought about the irony of this life. You put a breath of pure fresh air in me, revived me and pulled me back from a downward spiral that would have sucked me in to place from where there is no return. And I think I was your salvation from insanity. You drew your strength from me, to survive your own personal hell, to be able to go back face your demons, because you now have me around you like you very own personal armour. For no matter the distance, I will always protect you and yours. And you will always be my anchor, that will keep me grounded from a distance.  

At First Sight

As a teenager, I believed very firmly that the day I met my soulmate I would just know. Know that he was the one. Know that he would be mine. Just know that we are meant to be together. 

Love at first sight. Does it really happen? Can you just look at someone and know in all absolution that they are the one for you? That they and they alone will make you happy? That they are the missing part of your soul that you have been in search of for what seems like eons? What is it about that first look that is such a give-away? How does anyone know for certain that the person that they have just met is their other half, their best part? Every romance novel ever written, well almost every, proposes this ideal love – instant and at first sight. Of course every protagonist resists it vehemently, and eventually  succumbs to it. And of course they live happily ever after. Delve a little deeper into this, and one thing stands out in absolution – appearances. No Mills and Boon ever has the line: “She was not good looking, but had an attractive personality”. Nope, not a single one will ever have these lines. Every last one of their heroes and heroines are picture perfect with flawless skin and gorgeous eyes, soulful eyes. Let us not forget the soul seeping into the eyes – this one I still haven’t been able to figure out. One possible inference from these picture perfect stories consumed by the dozen by women globally is that love equals beauty and attraction. The Homo Sapiens is the only species capable of cognizant love, is amongst the only species that indulges actively in procreational physical contact without the intention to procreate (despite what all the holy scriptures say – shame shame!). I do not think any other species has the cognizance to “fall in love”. And yet in spite of all the righteous sermons on love and loving we are at the end of the day a very superficial lot, driven very aggressively by our senses. And nothing is stronger than the sense of sight – without which life is unfathomable. And inspite all evidence to the contrary, we judge on sight before anything else. 

She is fat hence she must be mean

She is so skinny, probably  does not eat much

She has such awful hair

He is so short, who’s gonna date him

They are so ugly; how can anyone love someone like them?

And admit it, each and every one of you are guilty of forming snap judgements based on how someone looks. Even the most self-righteous cannot honestly say that they never judged anyone based on their looks. So, how then can one feel love at first sight – love that is supposed to be the most unconditional, the most pure of all feelings one is meant to experience in their life? By its very definition “at first sight” indicated based only  on the way something / someone looks. What is it about the way one sees this other half of them that convinces them that they will share a good, long and satisfying life together? 

No, I do not believe in love at first sight. I’d go so far as to say that I do not believe in any kind of love, save the one felt for your family and friends. Romantic love at its best is an illusion of perfection that only lasts as long as the illusionist wants it to. One small break in concentration and the ugly side of reality surfaces. I wish I could say I am not all about appearances, I most certainly am. But I also believe in searching for what lies beneath. And a guy too good looking to be true? No way, that is not ever happening!

Friday, February 03, 2017

Dear Jhanvi

Dear Jhanvi,
Let me begin by saying how extremely sorry I am. Sorry that it did not work the way you wanted it to. Sorry that you felt that no one would care that you were gone (because why else would you go?). Sorry that you felt the need to take such an extreme step. Sorry the you are gone. 

You were never my favourite person, but you were most certainly admired, not something I would ever express to your face. But I am saying it now. Your spunk, your attitude, your sheer swag was something I always thought was amazing. It takes a strong person to be so outwardly confident and so devil-may-care. Somewhere in the deep dark recesses of my heart, I always felt “I wish I could be like that”. The things you could manage to achieve – professionally and otherwise, it always made me a little envious. The way you almost always managed to get your way. You are the most determined person I have ever met. Yes I use the present because I am yet to meet someone like you. And again, I cannot emphasize enough how little I actually liked you, it never stopped me from admiring your spunk. 

And it galls me that you, a person who I always felt will outlive us ALL, felt the need to take such a drastic step. I can’t say I will miss you, but I will definitely always remember you. If I could muster even one third of your spunk, I would feel partially accomplished. And please allow me to take this platform to tell you, wherever you are, that you were stronger than this. Nothing is ever going to be worth this. And I think I will always wonder why. For as long as I live, I will always wonder why. What made you feel so alone, so unloved, so disconnected from every one that you felt it was alright to go. 

I wish there was a stronger memory I could share here, but I think I will always remember sitting next to you in that cramped little office of ours. I will remember your crazy stories about your family, your ex work place, your experiences. Oh, I will remember your fashion – super! More than anything else I will remember you. I wish you hadn’t taken such a drastic step, I wish you were still around, I wish you had been happy. I wish I didn’t have to write this. 

But, rest in peace, JR. I hope you find in your afterlife, the peace you searched all your mortal life for. And I wish your family all the strength in the world to be able to deal with the grief. I also wish I could have taken both your babies in, and given them at least a small measure of the life you gave them. I am sorry, Jhanvi that you had to go like this.

I can’t say you will be missed, but I can say this: you will always be remembered.