Dear Jhanvi

Dear Jhanvi,

Let me begin by saying how extremely sorry I am. Sorry that it did not work the way you wanted it to. Sorry that you felt that no one would care that you were gone (because why else would you go?). Sorry that you felt the need to take such an extreme step. Sorry the you are gone. 

You were never my favourite person, but you were most certainly admired, not something I would ever express to your face. But I am saying it now. Your spunk, your attitude, your sheer swag was something I always thought was amazing. It takes a strong person to be so outwardly confident and so devil-may-care. Somewhere in the deep dark recesses of my heart, I always felt “I wish I could be like that”. The things you could manage to achieve – professionally and otherwise, it always made me a little envious. The way you almost always managed to get your way. You are the most determined person I have ever met. Yes I use the present because I am yet to meet someone like you. And again, I cannot emphasize enough how little I actually liked you, it never stopped me from admiring your spunk. 

And it galls me that you, a person who I always felt will outlive us ALL, felt the need to take such a drastic step. I can’t say I will miss you, but I will definitely always remember you. If I could muster even one third of your spunk, I would feel partially accomplished. And please allow me to take this platform to tell you, wherever you are, that you were stronger than this. Nothing is ever going to be worth this. And I think I will always wonder why. For as long as I live, I will always wonder why. What made you feel so alone, so unloved, so disconnected from every one that you felt it was alright to go. 

I wish there was a stronger memory I could share here, but I think I will always remember sitting next to you in that cramped little office of ours. I will remember your crazy stories about your family, your ex work place, your experiences. Oh, I will remember your fashion – super! More than anything else I will remember you. I wish you hadn’t taken such a drastic step, I wish you were still around, I wish you had been happy. I wish I didn’t have to write this. 

But, rest in peace, JR. I hope you find in your afterlife, the peace you searched all your mortal life for. And I wish your family all the strength in the world to be able to deal with the grief. I also wish I could have taken both your babies in, and given them at least a small measure of the life you gave them. I am sorry, Jhanvi that you had to go like this.

I can’t say you will be missed, but I can say this: you will always be remembered.

Love,

S