Once upon a time Bollywood decided to be cool. Again. The result? A travesty called Cocktail. No, nothing to do with the Tom Cruise classic of the same name, at all. No, this mindless drivel was about “open relationships, free women, and wadyakno SEX!” So the story goes like this, our main man is a regular horny Indian man, who can barely keep it in his pants, and who meets this cool super sexy drinking, smoking, “free thinking” girl. We will call her Lady With No Standards. Now, Lady With No Standards is … wait for it … fully available! And with evident self-image issues, because she actually agrees to sleep with Our Main Man. Of course, nothing wrong with that, except that she does it again and again and again till one wonders if the sex really is that amazing because God knows Our Main Man is a fucking prick. Enter Simple Sweet Girl Next Door with “high moral values” translation – I will save myself for my husband. Simple Sweet Girl Next Door is Lady With No Morals’ pious sweet flat-mate. And of course, Our Main Douche after meeting her and conferring with his Mommy, because Mommy knows best, decides that he will marry Simple Sweet Girl Next Door. Now here is the twist in the tale, Lady with No Morals has fallen in love with Our Main Douchebag! So, let us assess the situation, here is a man who is a serial philanderer, with no qualms about sexing up anything with a vagina – which of course we have no issue with, after all it is his dick and he can choose to put it in whatever he wants – then we have this seemingly independent, smart, intelligent – this bit is slightly questionable – woman who is apparently well connected with her sexuality and sexual needs and thinks nothing about falling in bed with a guy she met a few times (sounds familiar, but I will come to that later), and then there is the innocent, naïve, typical Indian girl, who is classic Mommy approved marriage material. Our Main Doucheasshole and Simple Sweet Girl Next Door eventually fall in love and do in fact get married, leaving Lady with No Self Esteem standing out the “commitment” door, on the outside looking in.
Now, here are my problems with this movie – one; it objectifies women in two very misogynistic ways – one the “loose morals Jezebel” and the other the “Virgin Mary who can do no wrong”. Second, it reinforces the Indian male psyche of “a girl to have “fun” with” and “a girl to take home to Mommy” are in fact two different women. In a country that is barely coming to terms with the fact that two consenting adults do not need to be married to bump uglies with one another, this movie ensures that a woman who is alright with casual sex will always be distinctive from the pious naïve almost virginous woman that the same man will take home and get married to. Never the twain shall meet. And my third and biggest problem is the sacrificial nature of Our Lady with Self Image Issues. Why would a strong independent woman, seemingly in love with the man she is regularly hooking up with, be alright with him pursuing her flat-mate for marriage. I’ve been on the receiving end of this behavior a time or two, and it frustrates me to no end to think that they would rather lead a boring life with a “proper” lady than risk society’s draconian disapproval at wanting to spend an exciting life with someone who is as adventurous as they are. Allow me to tell you of this one guy I dated many years ago in my younger naïve-r days. We had just had incredible sex, and were lying in bed, still naked when he turns to me and says “Will you attend my marriage when I do get married” I will admit that the statement baffled the bajeesus out of me. Why on earth would he ask me this when the assumption was that maybe someday we would get married, I mean I wasn’t aiming for a ring from him, but come on, he still had my cum on his dick, when he asked me this. So of course, with zero self-preservation instincts, and a slightly masochistic streak I tell him “Why would I need to attend your wedding, wouldn’t it maybe be me?” And I kid you not, this was his response “Babe, come on, I can’t take you home to my parents. You aren’t the type and you know it.” I was stunned. Speechless. Me, who can’t shut up even in serious movies had no words left. I mean if he had to spell it out to me, he could have been a little tactful about it, couldn’t he? Did it absolutely have to be said so bluntly, so blatantly in my face-ly? We have all as women dated a few assholes, who thought that the sun actually did shine out their stinky buttholes. But never had anyone so explicitly stated to me that I am in fact, not marriage material. Needless to say, I walked out the door there and then, without a backward glance. The irony, he actually tried to defend the fact that he while he loved me a lot, it was absolutely fine for our relationship to be transient. It has been over 10 years since this incidence, and I haven’t looked back at him or ever searched for him on Social Media or even felt the need to check out what he did eventually get married to. Yes, I said what not who. But his statements, and the arguments with their weak reasoning for his words and the ensuing loss of a major chunk of my self-esteem stayed with me for many years. Of course, I eventually picked up the pieces of that particular heart break and with the help of some very amazing family members, cleaned my act up, or actually rather my pimple ridden face, got my priorities right and carried on with life as if it he had never been part of it. But I will admit today, finally, that it hurt. It hurt to be told that, and it hurt to never get an apology after for those thoughtlessly uttered mean words.
This ugly monster raised its particular head today, because I met someone recently, who is slowly becoming a good friend, is a great bedmate and will possibly always remain this, with mutual consent, of course. He is not after all looking for something serious and I in all honestly do not think he is the type I would want to settle down with, and he knows this, just as I am not the type he wants to settle down with. The difference here is the fact that we are not each other’s personality types and our mutual understanding is not based on a mis-guided moral compass that says girls you fuck without a ring are not meant to be married. In conversation he asked if I had watched Cocktail, which I had. And then ensued a discussion on the topic of “what if I develop feelings for him” just like Lady with no Self Esteem did for Our Main Douchbaghole. Would I be able to be friends with him and the girl he wants to marry / settle down with? My response, as expected was a resounding nope. Real feelings, love, can not be ignored so easily, and it is absolutely impossible to see the person you are in love with be happy with someone else. You wish them well, you bless their relationship and then you cut them out. You don’t stand there watching their happiness, because it cuts you deep and hurts the most vulnerable part of you. This is of course if you are actually in love with them, and not the idea of them. We often fall into the trap of being in love with the idea of a person, or just with the idea of being in love at all. That spells certain doom, temporary heartbreak and a quick recovery. Because infatuation is not after all love. I did turn the question around on him and ask him how he would react if the situation were to reverse itself. And I am glad to say, his response was the same as me. You can’t put feelings that run deep and true for someone on the backburner and just carry on. Personally, for me I believe cutting that person out from your life is the absolute best way to heal. Being around them is like a constant downpour of salt on a deep open wound. And even though the conversation was a light let’s get to know each kind of a conversation, the reference to the movie and the situation has bought back that same feeling of vulnerability and the same big question, am I not good enough. His intent was not to make me feel like that in anyway, I am sure of that. And even though our understanding of each other is clear and more so we are clear about what we do want from each other, it still doesn’t stop me from thinking yet again I am good enough for a tumble in the hay but not for high tea with mother. And I can’t help but wonder what if he was in fact the type of guy I would want to date or have a serious committed relationship with?
Sigh… the intricacies of life are at times beyond my comprehension.
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