I want...

I want to fly. I want to feel free. I want to belong. I want to feel again. I want to love. I want to be loved. I want to hold someone in my sleep. I want to be held by someone in my sleep. I want a place to call my own. I want a guy to call my own. I want to be famous. I want to be missed. I want a carefree life. I want to be strong. I want to bale to be my own boss. I want to be known by everyone. I want to be able to help whoever needs help. I want to be able to cry. I want to be able to laugh. I want to be able to sing. I want to dance. I want to play. I want to act. I want to eat. I want to drink. I want a happy life. I want MY life. I want my dogs back. I want my mom back. I want a normal life. I want a best friend. I want any friend. I want children. I want to be married. I want to be an important person. I want to LIVE. I want to DIE. I want to give life. I want to take a life. I want this. I want that. I want EVERYTHING. I WANT nothing. I just NEED it ALL. I just CRAVE it ALL. I just want to BE.

Too Little? Or Too Much?

After all this time, after all these years,

What have you given me but a bunch of tears?

You say you don’t say, you show.

But can’t you see?

I want to hear it.

I need to know.

Well, my love, I can’t see.

I never could with you.

You blinded me till I could see no more

You deafened me to everything.

Till all I could hear was my screams.

You killed my feelings,

Till all I could feel was pain.

Even that stopped making an appearance.

I am so numb, so lost.

So alone.

Why? Was I not good enough?

Did I care too less?

Did I do something wrong?

Say something wrong?

Or maybe I said too much.

Always said too much.

Memories

Memories. Memories play such a blatantly hurtful role in life. Memories of good times, memories of bad times, memories of ok times, and then memories of times you want to forget. I remember a time when memories were all that kept me alive, that kept me going. Memories of a look, memories of a touch, memories of a word said passionately, memories of eyes that spoke volumes, memories of memories, memories of a gaze so intense it could melt you in place, memories of a love that now seems distant and un reachable. Memories supported me, they fed my soul, they gave me hope. They torture me now. They come back to remind me what a waste all those times were. Times spent talking. Times spent trying to make you believe I truly do love you. Times spent caring about you, times spent believing you loved me, believing you cared about me. Yes you offer me refuge, a place to lick my wounds. But do you realize most of those wounds are inflicted by you? It a cruel twist of fate that I should be in this position while you remain seemingly untouched. How can I explain to you what you are to me? How can I tell you that I still feel the same? That living with you will always be the best option for me? That I am still crazy about you? My life definitely doesn’t revolve around you, but you are one of the stars in my universe that I gaze upon more often than others. You are a beacon of hope for me. And yet it looks like I will spend my life haunted by memories of you. By memories of us. Because all I have are memories. Memories that will make me cry and smile at the same time, that will be the glue that keeps me together, and the hammer that will shatter my existence. 

Freak

Sometimes I feel like a freak.

Actually that is a lie.

I don’t feel like a freak, I AM a freak..

I am the freak that entire world gossips about.

I am the freak that everyone avoids.

I am the freak that never fit in.

I am the freak that will never be a villain or a hero.

I am the freak they put in a circus.

I am the freak that will always be a freak.

 I am the freak who’s sister thinks she is a freak.

I am the freak that was never noticed.

I am the freak who sat in a corner at all parties and drank away the night.

I am the freak who will live the guy she loves and not be involved with him.

I am the freak who thought she had the world by it’s tail, but what she was really holding was a sign that said FREAK.