I have this obsessive need to document my life from time to time. Sometimes it finds its way to my blog, at others it remains in the relative anonymity of my various diaries. Anyway, this brings me to this moment, Saturday, September 22, 2012. A friend of mine convinced me to go to some party for something, the details are a little fuzzy there. Well fuzzy in the face of what actually happened at the place. See now, I had fever that night, mild but enough to make me slightly cranky about a party, and enough to make me wanna say fuck it. I didn't. And thank the lord I didn't. We entered the place, and the first person I saw was the bartender (yes this note IS about him). You know, how in movies and TV shows you see these bartenders that every one talks to? Kinda like Ted Danson from Cheers? Well there was MY Ted Danson standing right in front of us. We sauntered up to the bar, and ordered our drinks, and there it was, that twinkle of mischief in naughty dark brown eyes. An open face, and a smile that was maybe otherworldly? Salt and Pepper hair, and I pegged him at someone closer to my father's age than mine. My friend and I both agreed he was the hottest man we had ever seen. I for one couldn't take my eyes of this man, who had such an amazingly open face. A face that beckoned confidences, that literally willed you confess all your sins.
We moved off, sat down with our drinks, and eventually the party was in full swing. I lost track of how many times I volunteered to re-fill the drinks of my friends, just so that I could go up to the bar! Pathetic, I know, but such an irresistible person! When we stepped out for a smoke, I was looking in, when we were inside, I was looking THERE.. It was unbelievable how absolutely smitten I felt about this person. Forget the fact that he is drop dead gorgeous, there is something slightly feral about the way he surveyed the crowd, about the look he gave me, a few times. Animalistic vitality and a wild streak a mile long. He had the appearance of someone who has a devil-may-care attitude to match the feral look. Maybe it was the hair, the maturity, or maybe, just maybe it was the tiny sliver of vulnerability that I glimpsed just once in the night, whatever it was, I had found my cocaine.
Before I knew it, he was standing next to me, and just like that, we were talking like old friends. Investment banker, who had given up everything three years ago to travel the world, or at least, South America and Africa. In that moment, not only was I drawn to him, I was also unbelievably envious of this person. Here he was, standing next to me telling me about things I wanted to do. Sigh.. As if being good looking, dangerous, and charming wasn't enough, he HAD to have travelled to the EXACT places I wanted to go. We talk, it is a blur, I could only hear my heart pounding, and was only aware of his proximity. I don't think I can recall what we spoke about, even if I tried. I only remember, the warmth of his body next to mine, and the brush of his skin against mine when our arms touched. Sounds juvenile and all, but that was an electric touch. And before I could catch my breath, he was back at the bar.
More time flies, more drinks are downed, refilled, more inane conversation.. I touch the leather cuff on his wrist, "You know, this is very fifty shades" "Sweetheart, what you read is not a patch on what I know, have done" My breath catches in my throat. I look at him, he turns away to serve someone. And I think, there is no way I am ever forgetting that. And then it is time to leave, "I have to go" "Stay" He didn't need to repeat it. This man fascinated me, had my full attention. There was no way I could leave now, knowing I had the chance to see where this would go.
Last drinks are served, he is adept at this bar-tending business even if it isn't really his scene. I watch mesmerized, as this man charms everyone he talks to, men and women alike. We step into the theatre to watch the last trailer. He is standing next to me, his shoulder against mine, his hand on the small of my back. He leans in to say something, I don't hear it. I turn "If you want to say something say it to the other ear, I'm deaf in this one" and as I turn to present my other ear, "Who said I wanted to say something?" And his lips are on mine. It is incredible that I could stand. His hand is on my arm, he leans in, deepens the kiss, and before I can react in a slightly embarrassing manner, he pulls away. A look passes between us, that I have never exchanged with anyone. "Lets get out soon as this is over" I had forgotten we were surrounded by thirty people.
We walk down the stairs, and we sit outside, and that is when the talking starts. He manages to get me to talk about things I never do. I don't even realize what I have told him, till I look at him, and I see in his eyes a vague reflection of what I was feeling.
I haven't been able to figure out what it was about this Bartender from HKV, but I was incredibly attracted to him. It was the attraction of moth to a fire, just before it bursts into flames. A dangerous man, he is. Maybe I should stay away, maybe I should take the plunge into the deep end. I don't really know. I have to figure it out. What I do know is that it's going to be one helluva ride, and if don't get my bearing right, it's gonna be crash and burn for me. After years I feel this way about someone. And I suppose I am right to hesitate. He will be the final undoing of who I am. And that is a feeling I have had in my gut since that first brush against my arm when my breath hitched in my throat.
We moved off, sat down with our drinks, and eventually the party was in full swing. I lost track of how many times I volunteered to re-fill the drinks of my friends, just so that I could go up to the bar! Pathetic, I know, but such an irresistible person! When we stepped out for a smoke, I was looking in, when we were inside, I was looking THERE.. It was unbelievable how absolutely smitten I felt about this person. Forget the fact that he is drop dead gorgeous, there is something slightly feral about the way he surveyed the crowd, about the look he gave me, a few times. Animalistic vitality and a wild streak a mile long. He had the appearance of someone who has a devil-may-care attitude to match the feral look. Maybe it was the hair, the maturity, or maybe, just maybe it was the tiny sliver of vulnerability that I glimpsed just once in the night, whatever it was, I had found my cocaine.
Before I knew it, he was standing next to me, and just like that, we were talking like old friends. Investment banker, who had given up everything three years ago to travel the world, or at least, South America and Africa. In that moment, not only was I drawn to him, I was also unbelievably envious of this person. Here he was, standing next to me telling me about things I wanted to do. Sigh.. As if being good looking, dangerous, and charming wasn't enough, he HAD to have travelled to the EXACT places I wanted to go. We talk, it is a blur, I could only hear my heart pounding, and was only aware of his proximity. I don't think I can recall what we spoke about, even if I tried. I only remember, the warmth of his body next to mine, and the brush of his skin against mine when our arms touched. Sounds juvenile and all, but that was an electric touch. And before I could catch my breath, he was back at the bar.
More time flies, more drinks are downed, refilled, more inane conversation.. I touch the leather cuff on his wrist, "You know, this is very fifty shades" "Sweetheart, what you read is not a patch on what I know, have done" My breath catches in my throat. I look at him, he turns away to serve someone. And I think, there is no way I am ever forgetting that. And then it is time to leave, "I have to go" "Stay" He didn't need to repeat it. This man fascinated me, had my full attention. There was no way I could leave now, knowing I had the chance to see where this would go.
Last drinks are served, he is adept at this bar-tending business even if it isn't really his scene. I watch mesmerized, as this man charms everyone he talks to, men and women alike. We step into the theatre to watch the last trailer. He is standing next to me, his shoulder against mine, his hand on the small of my back. He leans in to say something, I don't hear it. I turn "If you want to say something say it to the other ear, I'm deaf in this one" and as I turn to present my other ear, "Who said I wanted to say something?" And his lips are on mine. It is incredible that I could stand. His hand is on my arm, he leans in, deepens the kiss, and before I can react in a slightly embarrassing manner, he pulls away. A look passes between us, that I have never exchanged with anyone. "Lets get out soon as this is over" I had forgotten we were surrounded by thirty people.
We walk down the stairs, and we sit outside, and that is when the talking starts. He manages to get me to talk about things I never do. I don't even realize what I have told him, till I look at him, and I see in his eyes a vague reflection of what I was feeling.
I haven't been able to figure out what it was about this Bartender from HKV, but I was incredibly attracted to him. It was the attraction of moth to a fire, just before it bursts into flames. A dangerous man, he is. Maybe I should stay away, maybe I should take the plunge into the deep end. I don't really know. I have to figure it out. What I do know is that it's going to be one helluva ride, and if don't get my bearing right, it's gonna be crash and burn for me. After years I feel this way about someone. And I suppose I am right to hesitate. He will be the final undoing of who I am. And that is a feeling I have had in my gut since that first brush against my arm when my breath hitched in my throat.
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