A Letter Never Posted

Hey You,

I have always been some one who might appear to be a pessimist on the outside, but is an optimist through and through. Hopelessly so even. And today I realized the folly of my beliefs. Apparently no matter how much good Karma you throw out at the world, somehow you get hit by the bad stuff as well. Ricochet from someone else's Karma perhaps? I don't know. All I know is that as I sat there listening to you talk about us, I realized, that there simply is no point in being optimistic.
I realized, that we started out on your terms, we were together on your terms and lo behold we ended on your terms. Where's the justice in that? Right, so you say you're stubborn, take the good stuff for granted, quick to point out what is wrong and all that. You also say you never walk away. Didn't you just do that? At the first sign of trouble, didn't you just throw your hands up and say "Ok, damn, I can't so this"? So what was that all about? You give your 100% to your friend, but the person who can make you feel more special that any friend anywhere, is not even given a chance?
For some reason I thought when it came to us, you'd at least give us a fighting chance, maybe because I foolishly hoped I meant something special to you. Is this how specialty is treated? I always thought, here is a man I can trust to have by my side. Here is someone who might be worth a fighting chance. I fought for you, every chance there was. And what do I get?
I can not begin to explain how much I wanted to be the one who could make you see. I saw through you. I knew you. I understood you. And I knew, I know that if you had just given us a chance, I would have made you see how much I get where you're coming from. How well I understood who you are. How much I could have made you believe that there is a way around everything, and that we could have had it all?
At this point all I can say is that it breaks my heart, not because we aren't together. It breaks my heart that you did not give us a chance to explore what could've been. I breaks my heart that I might never be able to make you see how wonderful it could've been. It breaks my heart that you walked away.

Love,
Me.

Break? Or Build?

Can I just say that it sucks? Yes it sucks to like someone and know that there is nothing you can do about it. I sucks so much that it becomes a chore to pretend you're normal and not busting inside. At times I wish it weren't so. Why can't life be simple instead? Is it too much to ask for?

You like someone, they like you back end of story. Why the drama and the heartache? Why have to go through the ritual dance, and end up standing alone on the dance floor? Like the little reject shit that no one would want to dance with.

Frustrating and annoying and pathetic it is. Because you know in your heart, that if this was your best friend, you'd be telling her to get the fuck over it and move on. And you know in your heart that you're THAT hypocritical. Dishing it is always so much easier than taking it. And at the end of the day, you know you got to stand alone. But you still want a partner on that bloody dance floor.

It reminds me of something I read today that Tupac said, yes, TUPAC:

You can spend minutes, hours days, weeks or even months over analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened ...
Or you can just leave the the pieces on the floor, and move the fuck on.

Procrastination and Stagnation

Some times I feel like I have Asperger's Syndrome, or maybe I'm just a dissociative personality. I don't know. Ever get that feeling of standing on the outside and watching life pass you by? I get that several times a day. Makes me wonder about how normal "normal" really is, or actually, how crazy "normal" really is. It's strange to feel like this. Almost as if you're in a surreal existence, a parallel kind of place. I look around me and see people succeeding, people doing better than me at what I'm doing, and it makes me wonder where I'm going wrong?

Maybe I'm just a big procrastinator and no procrastinator ever reached the top of that ladder. It's like in the book, The folk of the Faraway Tree, when Connie gets stuck on the never ending ladder. Life's kinda like that, a never ending ladder. You stop because you realize its never ending. Oh wait, life does end, but your legacy never does, does it? That is exactly the point, the legacy you leave behind is what makes you continue on the never ending ladder. So basically those who stopped are those who leave behind nothing. Their life literally comes to a halt.

I am beginning to think maybe I'm kidding myself when I say I want to succeed. When push comes to shove, I am after all mediocre. Nothing spectacular or amazing. But, and that is a big but, does it really have to be like that for me? For anyone?

I met someone today that I hadn't seen for eight years. Meeting them made me actually realize, and sit and think and analyze, where am I going? He seemed to have changed a lot over the years. And he told me I hadn't changed at all. Is that supposed to be a compliment? I suppose if he was talking about looks, it is, female vanity being what it is. But in every other sense isn't being told you haven't changed amongst the biggest insult? It's like being compared to stagnant water. Dull, still and useless, actually not really useless as much as dangerous, in that it helps breed mosquitoes.

I suppose being told you look so different and that you've changed is the biggest compliment one can receive. It signifies dynamism and volatility, two traits I'd love to claim.

Voices

The voices, make them go away.
The shouting, the screaming,
The crying, the begging.

Do you think you can make it go away?
23 years of voices in my head,
Can you banish them?
Will you kill them?
Can you make them just go away?

Did I try you ask?
I turned a deaf ear,
I turned my head away,
I even tried to look the other way.

It doesn't help at all.
It makes even less sense than most.
The voices will stay
I can't make them go away.

Help me... Please take me away.

Sunday

Its KFC Day! Yaay!

Ever since my father re-married, his dinner on sunday has been at his in-laws home. And since I shifted back to Delhi, My grandma and i have been having KFC meals on Sunday! And it's Sunday today! :)

Got to Let Go

Somethings in life, you just got to let go. You can't go through life holding a grudge against your kindergarten enemy, can you? You can't go through life holding a grudge against your middle school class mate, now can you? Forgive and forget. Everyone preaches it, few practice it, almost no one understands it. We often forget thinking we've forgiven. Big difference there, my friend. There is a reason frenemies exist. Well, frenemy isn't exactly a word, but I like to borrow from Sex and The City on occasion.
However, the big question here isn't that can you let go of what others have done onto you, but the question that goes round and round in my head, is that, can you let go of what you have done onto others? Can you let go of what you have done onto yourself? Yes yes I can see it sounds a bit heavy and philosophical etc.. But it's true. And I have only recently begun to understand this concept called forgiveness. How can you possibly forgive anyone at all, if you don't understand the concept, and for that matter, if you can't forgive yourself?
Not too sound too philosophical, but there are things you just have to let go off. Let. Go. Off. It is not easy and it definitely isn't something that has a switch you can just flick on. It is a slow process, and can take years. The trick here is not to let it get to you, or go round and round like a spinning theme park ride in your head. That, my dear, takes a whole lot of practice, and a certain ability to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the voices and people in your head.
Luckily for me, I am deaf! Not blind however, but that will happen as well. Runs in the family! See, wasn't that hard to find that silver lining was it?

I want...

I want to fly. I want to feel free. I want to belong. I want to feel again. I want to love. I want to be loved. I want to hold someone in my sleep. I want to be held by someone in my sleep. I want a place to call my own. I want a guy to call my own. I want to be famous. I want to be missed. I want a carefree life. I want to be strong. I want to bale to be my own boss. I want to be known by everyone. I want to be able to help whoever needs help. I want to be able to cry. I want to be able to laugh. I want to be able to sing. I want to dance. I want to play. I want to act. I want to eat. I want to drink. I want a happy life. I want MY life. I want my dogs back. I want my mom back. I want a normal life. I want a best friend. I want any friend. I want children. I want to be married. I want to be an important person. I want to LIVE. I want to DIE. I want to give life. I want to take a life. I want this. I want that. I want EVERYTHING. I WANT nothing. I just NEED it ALL. I just CRAVE it ALL. I just want to BE.

Too Little? Or Too Much?

After all this time, after all these years,

What have you given me but a bunch of tears?

You say you don’t say, you show.

But can’t you see?

I want to hear it.

I need to know.

Well, my love, I can’t see.

I never could with you.

You blinded me till I could see no more

You deafened me to everything.

Till all I could hear was my screams.

You killed my feelings,

Till all I could feel was pain.

Even that stopped making an appearance.

I am so numb, so lost.

So alone.

Why? Was I not good enough?

Did I care too less?

Did I do something wrong?

Say something wrong?

Or maybe I said too much.

Always said too much.

Memories

Memories. Memories play such a blatantly hurtful role in life. Memories of good times, memories of bad times, memories of ok times, and then memories of times you want to forget. I remember a time when memories were all that kept me alive, that kept me going. Memories of a look, memories of a touch, memories of a word said passionately, memories of eyes that spoke volumes, memories of memories, memories of a gaze so intense it could melt you in place, memories of a love that now seems distant and un reachable. Memories supported me, they fed my soul, they gave me hope. They torture me now. They come back to remind me what a waste all those times were. Times spent talking. Times spent trying to make you believe I truly do love you. Times spent caring about you, times spent believing you loved me, believing you cared about me. Yes you offer me refuge, a place to lick my wounds. But do you realize most of those wounds are inflicted by you? It a cruel twist of fate that I should be in this position while you remain seemingly untouched. How can I explain to you what you are to me? How can I tell you that I still feel the same? That living with you will always be the best option for me? That I am still crazy about you? My life definitely doesn’t revolve around you, but you are one of the stars in my universe that I gaze upon more often than others. You are a beacon of hope for me. And yet it looks like I will spend my life haunted by memories of you. By memories of us. Because all I have are memories. Memories that will make me cry and smile at the same time, that will be the glue that keeps me together, and the hammer that will shatter my existence. 

Freak

Sometimes I feel like a freak.

Actually that is a lie.

I don’t feel like a freak, I AM a freak..

I am the freak that entire world gossips about.

I am the freak that everyone avoids.

I am the freak that never fit in.

I am the freak that will never be a villain or a hero.

I am the freak they put in a circus.

I am the freak that will always be a freak.

 I am the freak who’s sister thinks she is a freak.

I am the freak that was never noticed.

I am the freak who sat in a corner at all parties and drank away the night.

I am the freak who will live the guy she loves and not be involved with him.

I am the freak who thought she had the world by it’s tail, but what she was really holding was a sign that said FREAK.