Thursday, August 16, 2018

A Cocktail for Hangovers



Once upon a time Bollywood decided to be cool. Again. The result? A travesty called Cocktail. No, nothing to do with the Tom Cruise classic of the same name, at all. No, this mindless drivel was about “open relationships, free women, and wadyakno SEX!” So the story goes like this, our main man is a regular horny Indian man, who can barely keep it in his pants, and who meets this cool super sexy drinking, smoking, “free thinking” girl. We will call her Lady With No Standards. Now, Lady With No Standards is … wait for it … fully available! And with evident self-image issues, because she actually agrees to sleep with Our Main Man. Of course, nothing wrong with that, except that she does it again and again and again till one wonders if the sex really is that amazing because God knows Our Main Man is a fucking prick. Enter Simple Sweet Girl Next Door with “high moral values” translation – I will save myself for my husband. Simple Sweet Girl Next Door is Lady With No Morals’ pious sweet flat-mate. And of course, Our Main Douche after meeting her and conferring with his Mommy, because Mommy knows best, decides that he will marry Simple Sweet Girl Next Door. Now here is the twist in the tale, Lady with No Morals has fallen in love with Our Main Douchebag! So, let us assess the situation, here is a man who is a serial philanderer, with no qualms about sexing up anything with a vagina – which of course we have no issue with, after all it is his dick and he can choose to put it in whatever he wants – then we have this seemingly independent, smart, intelligent – this bit is slightly questionable – woman who is apparently well connected with her sexuality and sexual needs and thinks nothing about falling in bed with a guy she met a few times (sounds familiar, but I will come to that later), and then there is the innocent, naïve, typical Indian girl, who is classic Mommy approved marriage material. Our Main Doucheasshole and Simple Sweet Girl Next Door eventually fall in love and do in fact get married, leaving Lady with No Self Esteem standing out the “commitment” door, on the outside looking in. 

Now, here are my problems with this movie – one; it objectifies women in two very misogynistic ways – one the “loose morals Jezebel” and the other the “Virgin Mary who can do no wrong”. Second, it reinforces the Indian male psyche of “a girl to have “fun” with” and “a girl to take home to Mommy” are in fact two different women. In a country that is barely coming to terms with the fact that two consenting adults do not need to be married to bump uglies with one another, this movie ensures that a woman who is alright with casual sex will always be distinctive from the pious naïve almost virginous woman that the same man will take home and get married to. Never the twain shall meet. And my third and biggest problem is the sacrificial nature of Our Lady with Self Image Issues. Why would a strong independent woman, seemingly in love with the man she is regularly hooking up with, be alright with him pursuing her flat-mate for marriage. I’ve been on the receiving end of this behavior a time or two, and it frustrates me to no end to think that they would rather lead a boring life with a “proper” lady than risk society’s draconian disapproval at wanting to spend an exciting life with someone who is as adventurous as they are. Allow me to tell you of this one guy I dated many years ago in my younger naïve-r days. We had just had incredible sex, and were lying in bed, still naked when he turns to me and says “Will you attend my marriage when I do get married” I will admit that the statement baffled the bajeesus out of me. Why on earth would he ask me this when the assumption was that maybe someday we would get married, I mean I wasn’t aiming for a ring from him, but come on, he still had my cum on his dick, when he asked me this. So of course, with zero self-preservation instincts, and a slightly masochistic streak I tell him “Why would I need to attend your wedding, wouldn’t it maybe be me?” And I kid you not, this was his response “Babe, come on, I can’t take you home to my parents. You aren’t the type and you know it.” I was stunned. Speechless. Me, who can’t shut up even in serious movies had no words left. I mean if he had to spell it out to me, he could have been a little tactful about it, couldn’t he? Did it absolutely have to be said so bluntly, so blatantly in my face-ly? We have all as women dated a few assholes, who thought that the sun actually did shine out their stinky buttholes. But never had anyone so explicitly stated to me that I am in fact, not marriage material. Needless to say, I walked out the door there and then, without a backward glance. The irony, he actually tried to defend the fact that he while he loved me a lot, it was absolutely fine for our relationship to be transient. It has been over 10 years since this incidence, and I haven’t looked back at him or ever searched for him on Social Media or even felt the need to check out what he did eventually get married to. Yes, I said what not who. But his statements, and the arguments with their weak reasoning for his words and the ensuing loss of a major chunk of my self-esteem stayed with me for many years. Of course, I eventually picked up the pieces of that particular heart break and with the help of some very amazing family members, cleaned my act up, or actually rather my pimple ridden face, got my priorities right and carried on with life as if it he had never been part of it. But I will admit today, finally, that it hurt. It hurt to be told that, and it hurt to never get an apology after for those thoughtlessly uttered mean words. 

This ugly monster raised its particular head today, because I met someone recently, who is slowly becoming a good friend, is a great bedmate and will possibly always remain this, with mutual consent, of course. He is not after all looking for something serious and I in all honestly do not think he is the type I would want to settle down with, and he knows this, just as I am not the type he wants to settle down with. The difference here is the fact that we are not each other’s personality types and our mutual understanding is not based on a mis-guided moral compass that says girls you fuck without a ring are not meant to be married. In conversation he asked if I had watched Cocktail, which I had. And then ensued a discussion on the topic of “what if I develop feelings for him” just like Lady with no Self Esteem did for Our Main Douchbaghole. Would I be able to be friends with him and the girl he wants to marry / settle down with? My response, as expected was a resounding nope. Real feelings, love, can not be ignored so easily, and it is absolutely impossible to see the person you are in love with be happy with someone else. You wish them well, you bless their relationship and then you cut them out. You don’t stand there watching their happiness, because it cuts you deep and hurts the most vulnerable part of you. This is of course if you are actually in love with them, and not the idea of them. We often fall into the trap of being in love with the idea of a person, or just with the idea of being in love at all. That spells certain doom, temporary heartbreak and a quick recovery. Because infatuation is not after all love. I did turn the question around on him and ask him how he would react if the situation were to reverse itself. And I am glad to say, his response was the same as me. You can’t put feelings that run deep and true for someone on the backburner and just carry on. Personally, for me I believe cutting that person out from your life is the absolute best way to heal. Being around them is like a constant downpour of salt on a deep open wound. And even though the conversation was a light let’s get to know each kind of a conversation, the reference to the movie and the situation has bought back that same feeling of vulnerability and the same big question, am I not good enough. His intent was not to make me feel like that in anyway, I am sure of that. And even though our understanding of each other is clear and more so we are clear about what we do want from each other, it still doesn’t stop me from thinking yet again I am good enough for a tumble in the hay but not for high tea with mother. And I can’t help but wonder what if he was in fact the type of guy I would want to date or have a serious committed relationship with? 

Sigh… the intricacies of life are at times beyond my comprehension.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

At First Sight


As a teenager, I believed very firmly that the day I met my soulmate I would just know. Know that he was the one. Know that he would be mine. Just know that we are meant to be together. 


Love at first sight. Does it really happen? Can you just look at someone and know in all absolution that they are the one for you? That they and they alone will make you happy? That they are the missing part of your soul that you have been in search of for what seems like eons? What is it about that first look that is such a give-away? How does anyone know for certain that the person that they have just met is their other half, their best part? Every romance novel ever written, well almost every, proposes this ideal love – instant and at first sight. Of course every protagonist resists it vehemently, and eventually  succumbs to it. And of course they live happily ever after. Delve a little deeper into this, and one thing stands out in absolution – appearances. No Mills and Boon ever has the line: “She was not good looking, but had an attractive personality”. Nope, not a single one will ever have these lines. Every last one of their heroes and heroines are picture perfect with flawless skin and gorgeous eyes, soulful eyes. Let us not forget the soul seeping into the eyes – this one I still haven’t been able to figure out. One possible inference from these picture perfect stories consumed by the dozen by women globally is that love equals beauty and attraction. The Homo Sapiens is the only species capable of cognizant love, is amongst the only species that indulges actively in procreational physical contact without the intention to procreate (despite what all the holy scriptures say – shame shame!). I do not think any other species has the cognizance to “fall in love”. And yet in spite of all the righteous sermons on love and loving we are at the end of the day a very superficial lot, driven very aggressively by our senses. And nothing is stronger than the sense of sight – without which life is unfathomable. And inspite all evidence to the contrary, we judge on sight before anything else. 


She is fat hence she must be mean

She is so skinny, probably  does not eat much

She has such awful hair

He is so short, who’s gonna date him

They are so ugly; how can anyone love someone like them?


And admit it, each and every one of you are guilty of forming snap judgements based on how someone looks. Even the most self-righteous cannot honestly say that they never judged anyone based on their looks. So, how then can one feel love at first sight – love that is supposed to be the most unconditional, the most pure of all feelings one is meant to experience in their life? By its very definition “at first sight” indicated based only  on the way something / someone looks. What is it about the way one sees this other half of them that convinces them that they will share a good, long and satisfying life together? 


No, I do not believe in love at first sight. I’d go so far as to say that I do not believe in any kind of love, save the one felt for your family and friends. Romantic love at its best is an illusion of perfection that only lasts as long as the illusionist wants it to. One small break in concentration and the ugly side of reality surfaces. I wish I could say I am not all about appearances, I most certainly am. But I also believe in searching for what lies beneath. And a guy too good looking to be true? No way, that is not ever happening!

Friday, February 03, 2017

Dear Jhanvi

Dear Jhanvi,
Let me begin by saying how extremely sorry I am. Sorry that it did not work the way you wanted it to. Sorry that you felt that no one would care that you were gone (because why else would you go?). Sorry that you felt the need to take such an extreme step. Sorry the you are gone. 

You were never my favourite person, but you were most certainly admired, not something I would ever express to your face. But I am saying it now. Your spunk, your attitude, your sheer swag was something I always thought was amazing. It takes a strong person to be so outwardly confident and so devil-may-care. Somewhere in the deep dark recesses of my heart, I always felt “I wish I could be like that”. The things you could manage to achieve – professionally and otherwise, it always made me a little envious. The way you almost always managed to get your way. You are the most determined person I have ever met. Yes I use the present because I am yet to meet someone like you. And again, I cannot emphasize enough how little I actually liked you, it never stopped me from admiring your spunk. 

And it galls me that you, a person who I always felt will outlive us ALL, felt the need to take such a drastic step. I can’t say I will miss you, but I will definitely always remember you. If I could muster even one third of your spunk, I would feel partially accomplished. And please allow me to take this platform to tell you, wherever you are, that you were stronger than this. Nothing is ever going to be worth this. And I think I will always wonder why. For as long as I live, I will always wonder why. What made you feel so alone, so unloved, so disconnected from every one that you felt it was alright to go. 

I wish there was a stronger memory I could share here, but I think I will always remember sitting next to you in that cramped little office of ours. I will remember your crazy stories about your family, your ex work place, your experiences. Oh, I will remember your fashion – super! More than anything else I will remember you. I wish you hadn’t taken such a drastic step, I wish you were still around, I wish you had been happy. I wish I didn’t have to write this. 

But, rest in peace, JR. I hope you find in your afterlife, the peace you searched all your mortal life for. And I wish your family all the strength in the world to be able to deal with the grief. I also wish I could have taken both your babies in, and given them at least a small measure of the life you gave them. I am sorry, Jhanvi that you had to go like this.

I can’t say you will be missed, but I can say this: you will always be remembered.

Love,
S

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Romance Isn't Dead



Soul Mates
I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.”
― Lang Leav