The Window Pane...

The glass pane of my bedroom window is rattling... And my over active imagination is going bonkers(that incidently is also the name of one of my closests friend's very crazy dog!!) Wat could be rattling the glass pane of my bedroom window?? Was it the wind?? Was it an earthquake?? Was it a ghost?? Is there someone on the outside trying to get inside???
And all of this i can relate to my life! strange how seemingly mundane things can be equated with earth shattering realities of life. The winds of change rattle the very core of my being. I hate change, and it's happening to me with every minute that passes. There is a quaking of my universe(cannot say earthquake since i am not the earth...), my own personal space.... It's being rattled by something... I can't quite place what! The ghosts of my past still haunt me and rattle the doors of my soul. There is someone on the outside of my being, on the very periphery of my existence, who is trying to get inside.... Trying to invade personal space guarded with a vengeance, for i'm not a very forth coming person when it comes to sharing myself.

At The Beginning

We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you
No one told me
I was going to find you
Unexpected
What you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers
On a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true
Now here we stand
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

The lyrics of a song copied quite shamelessly.... Pasted here equally shamelessly... But with a lot of pride for every word goes out to someone. Each word holds true for someone with someone... A useless endeavour but a satisfying one nonetheless....

Adios!

This post is specially for someone. This year seems to be one of goodbyes... God knows I've had my fair share of them... But then again i guess the share extends to more people. Eleven years is a long time to know someone. It all started that fateful day in VIth standard. I entered the class room with a certain amount of wariness... Unsure of what the future held in store for me. Trying to decide which seat to take my eye fell on one near this girl from the other section.. I had heard about her, stories better left unsaid(i make this part up to sound mysterious lol) and thought "Oh good someone almost as weird as me" and i went and sat in front of her. Her name was Aparna Dargar (still is) and she was this plump friendly looking girl who was perhaps the only one in the class to not judge me. and thus started a journey of immense friendship, love, sharing.... and amongst it all like the serpent in the garden of Eden a little pride, bitterness, disregard and a million other things that plague all friendships at some point in time or the other... But the friendship survived and flourished like a cactus bloom in the desert! (the inherent drama of my personality rears it's head!!) From 1996 to 1998 i had what one could only call the perfect friendship with Aparna. She seemed to be the only one who did not judge me, who did not desert me in loneliness(i have always been a loner in my school times... and if i mixed at all it was always with the wrong people... lol... a trait i still possess!) who kept most of my erratic behavior on track... oh we had some hilarious times fighting with the guys, the stupidity over seniors(you KNOW who I'm talking bout!!) and all those phone calls... Gawd!! Whoever said that the first sign of a teenage daughter is the increase in phone bills was probably talking about us!!!

And then came this period of utter loneliness... I had been deserted by my best friend for reasons known only to her(i did not insist and i still do not want to know) 1999 was the worst year of my life. i lost my best friend and my mother. and surprisingly (or rather not at all surprisingly) the first person in school to figure out something was wrong with me was her. i will never forget the utter relief i got in clinging to her shoulder and crying for the loss of a mother i never knew(my folks were divorced). The ice seemed to thaw a little then between her and me... But it took 2 and a half yrs for her to realise i was still the same old Sakshi, and being friends with me was not all that bad. It hurt pretty bad for those three yrs. I was bitter about the loss of my friend to other people for very long but when she came and spoke to me again I felt as if I had been holding a grudge for nothing. Truly Aparna, I might not have been the best person, I still am not, but your friendship back then meant the world to me. I don't think you ever realised the fact.

College started I shifted out of town, and the bond remained. It still remains. I still have the most awesome (and also somewhat snobbish!) friend in her. It is an amazing feeling knowing that when the world turns against you, there is someone you can call a friend and lean on. Through thick and thin, ours has been one helluva friendship!! I only wish she weren't going away so far.... The sense of security Delhi held simply because of her presence is going with her departure. You know i am not an extremely expressive person when it comes to how i feel and my inner most feelings... And this is as close as i will ever get to telling her how much her friendship meant to me still means to me.... It has survived 11 yrs of criticism and ups and downs... And I'm glad it did. Love you, sweetie!!!

Take care of yourself...

I'm sure you have realised by now that i would never be able to say all this to you. It sounds extremely lesbian(lol) but to f*** with what anyone thinks... You know as well as I do I'm completely straight!!! lol....

Cheers to eleven yrs!! And to the lifetime of friendship to come!

Words.....

It's a little bit on the strange side of life how words make such a big difference. words of love, of hatred, of peace, of desire, of want, of so many human emotions that to list them all is a gargantuan task. At so many points in time what needs to be said goes unsaid and a chasm develops. A void created by the inability of a person to see the right time to say something. Some people might say it's hard for them to express them selves. Well how can it be? When every thing you desire has been made available to you not through extra sensory perception but through your own ability to express what you want. How is it that one expects to hear words of encouragement, of love, of desire, of praise, of want..... of so many things and still at the same time claim that they can't put into words how they feel? Is it really very hard to say I love you, or I think you are wonderful, or that I admire the way you have handled things??? Is it really harder than saying I hate you, you are despicable, your life is aimless and your existence a bane??? Is it easier to express these opinions??? Why?? What is it about the negative that people find it so easy to say? How can one say your worthless and then dismiss it with out a second thought??
And yet at the same time why does it matter that someone tell you they love you when you know that they already do? Everyone goes through a phase when they feel lonely, even in a roomful of people. When they feel that feelings are not enough. When they feel the need to hear the words.