The Angel....

I passed death on the street today. I was crossing the road, and the next thing I knew I was lying innate on the asphalt, seeing stardust behind my closed eyelids. I lay there, wondering whether I can actually feel every part of me. I think except my head I felt everything. I opened my eyes to a slit, and a woman was standing over me looking down at my face. She is so beautiful came the unbidden thought. She extended one soft cold hand towards me, and I reached out to take it. My hand was a millimeter from hers when her face contorted to an ugly shriek and she was pulled away, as if sucked into a vortex. And suddenly standing in front of me was an angel so ugly the only links to him being an angel were the wings and the halo. There was nothing beautiful about this carrier of good. A twisted contorted ugly scarred face, that seemed to constantly sneer. “It’s not your time, child” he said in a voice that could only do justice to horror movies. It was a guttural sound that seemed to emit from the very depth of his being. A growl fierce enough to scare the living day lights out of any god fearing man. In my case it was that voice that pulled me out of the trance. I opened my eyes to see a horde of people collectively release a sigh of relief at my seemingly normal reaction. Apparently I had been unconscious for a long time. I tried to sit up and found that I did not have the will to. My eyes scanned the crowd gathered around me, and I saw that face again. The twisted features trying a smile of encouragement. And at the other end stood the lady, looking at me longingly, willing me to give up. I could feel the emotions emitting from her, the emotions that longed for my soul. With a deep breathe I sat up. It cost me, oh how it cost me to sit up. But I did it. I sat up and saw the woman being sucked back into what seemed to me a swirl that resembled a vortex, I heard her scream of frustration. Strangely no one around me seemed to have heard it or seen her. The man was still there, and I swear I felt a gentle nudge that could only have come from the energy humming around him, and I stood up. And there in front of me the angel took off on his wings, the last glance I got of him was that of his face, which was now a beautiful cherubic face. Sigh…. It was not my time to go he had said, but damn it had felt so nice to just give up and follow the lady. And yet when I got up, I felt more alive than I had felt ever before. It was as if someone had filled me up with positive energy so strong that there was a buoyancy in my step. I brushed my jeans picked up my bag, and walked off through the crowd, ignoring its shouts of concern. I was alive and I was complete. That was all that mattered. The wounds could be looked into later, could be licked later. There was enough time for all that. At the moment I was rejoicing in the feeling of being gloriously alive again. Life is ugly, but a shift in the angle of the kaleidoscope can make all the difference. Death is beautiful, but only from afar. I was alive that is all I cared about. And as if the heavens wanted to send me a sign, it started to rain, torrential rainfall. With a sun blazing down on mother earth, was it just my imagination or was that really the sun in all its glory? I didn’t care. The rain soaked me to my skin, and I was alive!

Determination....

My blog is quick resembling that of an acutely depressed suicidal person.... Life!
BUT..... All shall change, soon. I feel I am finally closer to finding my answers, finding my path, finding my self. I am going to let go of a lot of things, a lot of people, and I am going to ask a few things to leave me, a few people to leave.
One day i shall fly higher than the hawk.

Of City Lights And Alcohol.....

I am sitting alone at home. On the bench near the window in my room. My flat is on the seventh floor of the building. And the view is amazing. City lights blazing in all their glory. I’m listening to old Hindi movie songs, that is old by my standards, you know like Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar, Aankhen, Aks Taal and the like… you get the drift rite? I’m five drinks down and still numb. And that is a very strange thing to be happening to me, since I’m the kind who is flying after two drinks! Today the numbness refused to go, refused to leave me alone. Have you ever felt like you are in a limbo? A state of existence that can’t really be called existing? Have you ever felt like you are in a time warp, where everything moves in slow motion, and there is a strangely uncanny feeling of sureality? A feeling of being there yet at the same time not being there? I tried the age old method of trying to get rid of these feelings: - alcohol. It isn’t helping, at all. I am still in a state of non existence. My brain is working, my heart is beating, my involuntary functions are normal. But my feelings are blunt. I, a person who takes pride in calling herself sensitive and emotional, am emotionally numb. Dead inside. It seems as if life is passing me by and I’m standing still watching it go by. I ate food without tasting it, I had a bath without feeling clean at the end of it, I watched a movie without really enjoying it, I listened to my favorite music without it having the calming effect on me that is usually does, I walked for three hours without feeling like I did, I lay down in bed completely awake, waiting for sleep that refused to come, I stood in my room for hours today without realizing where I was what I was doing. And yet there is an inner turmoil raging and wrecking havoc on my peace of mind. I can’t seem to be able to ignore it. My brain works in one direction my heart in another. Bitch of the matter is that I don’t even have the guts to pick up that razor lying in front of me, that is suddenly looking very friendly, and ending it all. I tried, god knows I tried. But like I mentioned earlier I am a weak kneed lily livered milksop who runs like the hounds of Baskerville are on her tail at the mere mention of pain. And yet at the same time I am always in pain, physical and emotional, with an alarmingly high tolerance of it. Maybe that is why I run from more of it. I can’t seem to decide what to do, and what not to. And in the process I am ending up doing all the wrong things, and sinking deeper in the quick sand of troubles and problems. And yet at the same time I can’t seem to gather the courage to do anything about getting out of it. I don’t seem to mind sinking deeper; till it crosses my head and I go into non existence. The will to do anything about what I am going through is just not there. I am alone, I was born alone and I’ve lived alone so far. I have lost a mother to depression that caused her to take her life, I’ve lost a father to a woman who is slowly sucking the life out of him, I’ve lost friends because of my own actions, actions that I do not in any way regret. I should be used to loneliness by now should I not? And yet something in me craves for attention, for love that is only for me and no one else. Craves it so badly that it is becoming more and more difficult to simply exist by the minute. I wait for that one person in my life who would just look at me, or hear my voice and know what is going on inside me. Someone who would love me with all my flaws, all my imperfections, someone who would not ask me to change, someone for whom I am the only girl in the world. I crave for this kind of love for myself. Unconditional and complete. I’ve waited twenty two years for it, for all the love care and affection I never had from anyone, and it still eludes me. As a child I yearned for the love of a mother, as an adolescent I yearned for the love of a father who would not expect me to do excessively well in academics, as an adult now I yearn for the love of a man for whom no one but I exist. The catch in the situation is that after two decades of existing I am not sure I will be able reciprocate in full. I am emotionally numb. I have a lot of hurt, remorse, hate, sadness, melancholic feelings, vengeance and a lot of other very negative feelings in me right now. I am not sure if I will ever find someone who will try to change this. And very honestly I have given up. Ahhh…. The alcohol takes effect now. Seven patialas later…. Sweet! Kill me. Love me. Hate me. Care for me. Look out for me. Anything something… look at me… I am here… standing alone on the edge of a cliff. Stop me from dropping down. Give me a reason to live and enjoy. Give me a reason to not repeat the mistakes of others, to not repeat my own mistakes. Tell me I am alive, and I need to live. I am screaming for it, without a sound coming out of my mouth; hear my silent screams of agony. Help me…..

Liberation

Someone once told me that a bald woman is a liberated woman. I should be bald by that definition. But I am not because I guess I'm not as liberated yet. But I do know this much that I don't give a flying f*** to what anyone thinks of me or my actions. They are my own and not forced upon me. I chose to act the way I did and the consequences are exactly what I had expected them to be (at the back of my mind). I lost a few friends due to my actions and I do not regret it, for if they think I am capable of doing what I did with the reasons they think I had then I do not consider them worthy enough of my friendship. I am taking control of my life. I am arriving. I am the best. I am a woman who has finally found her way. I am free of all boundaries. I am rid of all my problems. I am free to do what I want. FINALLY.
Color me RED.

Incoherence

A long time ago I had some friends. And they betrayed my trust to someone else. It had hurt a lot. And I had taken a long time to overcome the hurt. Back then I had written something of what I had felt and forgotten about it. Until recently, I found that piece of writing. I was made to realize by someone I had just met that I can write what I want to, and to fuck with the world. So what follows are the incoherent ramblings of a 16 year old.

There are times in life when you just cannot trust everybody. Times when people you think you can trust are the ones who betray you. And it is this betrayal that hurts more than a stranger’s betrayal, hurts like hell and makes you feel like shit. Life introduces us to many types of people. But when it introduces you to them it does not say “look buddy here’s a guy you can trust”. It just leaves that part of the introduction out. One’s judgment of another’s character is more often than not wrong. They say never judge a book by its cover, but isn’t that precisely the thing that makes you pick up the book and start reading? Only to find out that that particular book was the worst of the lot. The same goes for people. But isn’t it a fact that a man shows only that side of himself that he wants to show? One can never be too sure of oneself. You cannot be sure of the fact that the person you trust the most won’t betray you, won’t cheat on you, and won’t let you down. I’m saying all this because I’ve been betrayed by all those I loved, liked and trusted. I don’t know how people do that. Doesn’t their conscience rankle them, tell them that playing with another’s emotions is wrong? Till date all my life people have taken me for granted, always had the kind of attitude towards me that one has towards a faithful dog. Taken for granted I believe is the phrase. And that’s all I’ve been reduced to, a support for friends who don’t give a damn one way or the other. It hurts so much to know that the people I thought liked me for what I am actually like me for only one reason: - what they can get out of me. And believe me when I say that I have nothing left to give except my pride and life, which are essentially mine. I’ve been robbed off everything I held dear to myself, my love, my care, my trust, my belief, my strength… everything is gone. Gone to people who only know how to take and not give. Maybe that is how God wanted it to be. Maybe He is trying to teach me something. But tell me after all that has happened is there really room to learn anything more? All that He has succeeded in teaching me is “never trust anyone” and “truth always, but always hurts”. Life is so unfair, and the people in it even more so. Nothing in it comes without a price and if it does, there is always a catch.

Now that I am 22, I read this and realize that the betrayal of a few friends who were not friends to begin with was not as big a deal as I made it to be. Maybe I say this because I am on the brink of betraying some people. I yet again thought I had friends. Something happened recently, something I had no control over, and something that is no one’s but my business. You know I am not a very interfering person. So when someone interferes in my life, I see red. And that is precisely what is happening. People who have absolutely no business interfering in my life are trying to take charge and run it for me. For a moment I felt I’ve lost some really nice friends. But then I realized what sort of a friend will try to make life pure hell for you? Because in my dictionary friends are supposed to help you out when you are in trouble, and scold you when you make mistakes, not take over the reins and run your life for you, and in the process torture you till the point jumping off the window of your seventh floor apartment starts sounding like a great idea. And the funny part is that the person that they are trying to “protect” from me needs no protection. He needs no one’s help to save himself from me, the big bad man eater. And the person being victimized along with me doesn’t need it at this point in their life. Fate has played a twisted game in my life, made me go through things no one should. And to top it off, given me a personality that does not allow me to get over it. I get hurt easily, I hurt others easily, and then I sit and stew over it for years. It takes me years to realize that what is gone is gone and is never going to come back. I realize I am selfish in ways that can only be justified by the fact that I need to protect myself from being hurt. I have known a lot of people in my life, and there have been a fistful that haven’t judged me, or tried to change me. I associate myself at times to a free bird that craves captivity. In the past few months I have been called selfish, irritating, self centered, attention seeking, and heartless. I can understand why anyone would say that to me. I am all of these things. Unfortunately this side of my personality comes out only around people I think would understand my reasons for being so. I accept everyone the way they are, with all their faults and flaws. What I fail to understand is why my flaws always end up being highlighted.
Hmmm it’s a long story yet… I have a lot to say, a lot to understand and a lot to do. For now I am just going to leave it at this. Even as I write this I realize there is no point really since it isn’t going to make two bits of difference in my life. Yet I ramble on like a small child craving for someone to listen to him.

Hey Oh!!!

Come to decide that the things that I tried were in my life just to get high on.
When I sit alone, come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh
When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more - time to decide on.
Well it's kiliing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to belive that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
Come back and hey oh,
look at what I say oh
The more I see the less I knowThe more I like to let it go - hey oh, woah...
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Finally divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go;
Inbetween the cover of another perfect wonder and it's so white as snow,
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.Ho!
Went to descend to ammend for a friend of the channels that had broken down.
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up - just to hear you sing it out.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky,
And I do belive what we rely on,
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrificeHey oh...
Listen what I say ohI got your hey oh...
listen what I say oh
The more I see, the less I knowThe more I like to let it go - hey oh woah...
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Finally divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go
Inbetween the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Finaly divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go.
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow...
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey oh yeah oh yeah... tell my love now
Hey yeah yeah... oh yeah

Red Hot Chilli Peppers, somehow always manage to define my state of mind perfectly. I love this song and it's lyrics... Ask my flat mate it was on repeat for roughly two weeks... I think everyone except me was fried by the time i took mercy on them! The perfect song. Rather one of the few songs that i say and think are PERFECT!

Government Hospitals and Internships....

I work in the Psychiatrics Ward in the local gov’t hospital. I don’t know how many of you have ever been to AIIMS or Moolchand or Safdarjung or any other government hospital, so I don’t know how many of you will be able to relate with what I say or write rather! The government hospital I’m interning at is like all other Indian government operations, if not worse. Imagine starting your day at work with the sight of a dog peeing at the door of the building. Yes it is a hospital. The entire hospital is spread out over an area of some ten acres. That means individual buildings for most of the departments including the various wards. And a kitchen building, which also houses the department of biomedical waste disposal! Again yes it is a hospital. My OPD is on the first floor sandwiched between the ophthalmic OPD and the neonatal unit. There are three doctors, who sit here, and about ten interns (including me) and residents. So, it’s like this that this department has been around for some 50 years, and the hospital has been around for some 90 years. And I do believe that since the day it started it has not been cleaned or maintained. For the third time yes it is still a hospital for humans. I go to work on just (thank god) two days in the week. And trust me when I say this that those two days are enough. The very first day I went there I was sent to the ward to “observe” patients. The word is in quotes because we were the only ones doing it. The staff nurse and the head nurse and the resident were busy chit chatting about the TV programs. It is sad I know, but that is life. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that there were about ten men and seven women in front of me who had lost most of their mental faculties and had no idea where they were and in some cases who they were, when the doctor came for rounds. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C that is the only word I can use to describe the experience. The patients were treated like bugs under scrutiny by them. It shocked me. In all my life I never thought that the problems of another person could be looked upon so dispassionately by the very people to whom they had gone to for the solutions.

Strange Things Happen....

It’s strange how you only miss something when it’s gone. No matter how precious you claim someone or something to be, you only realize their value when they’re gone. All this while you just ignore the fact that you hold within your grasp a wonderfully precious person, a friendship so rare and sweet that it starts seeming to be too good to come true. And it’s right there with you, until one day you make a small error, and like grains of sand it slips right out of your hand. And you don’t realize it. Because you are still sitting and basking in the glory of having found someone so nice and perfect. Love is a different ball game all together. I am talking pure unadulterated friendship. The kind that makes you feel that there is still hope in this heartless world. And one day the beautiful world created by that friendship shatters because of one tiny nudge by you. And more often than not you blame the other person. Not me. I know and realize my mistake, a few careless words and the friend of a lifetime is lost. Gone like the wind. Apologies don’t work, begging doesn’t work, pleading doesn’t work. And you wonder what kind of a person doesn’t give a second chance. Doesn’t give one more chance at redemption. Just a few minutes of their time so you can justify yourself. And then the doubts start… what sort of a person are they that they would not give a friend a chance to explain, did the friendship mean nothing?? Did all those times running around for them, helping them, struggling for them mean nothing to them?