Of City Lights And Alcohol.....

I am sitting alone at home. On the bench near the window in my room. My flat is on the seventh floor of the building. And the view is amazing. City lights blazing in all their glory. I’m listening to old Hindi movie songs, that is old by my standards, you know like Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar, Aankhen, Aks Taal and the like… you get the drift rite? I’m five drinks down and still numb. And that is a very strange thing to be happening to me, since I’m the kind who is flying after two drinks! Today the numbness refused to go, refused to leave me alone. Have you ever felt like you are in a limbo? A state of existence that can’t really be called existing? Have you ever felt like you are in a time warp, where everything moves in slow motion, and there is a strangely uncanny feeling of sureality? A feeling of being there yet at the same time not being there? I tried the age old method of trying to get rid of these feelings: - alcohol. It isn’t helping, at all. I am still in a state of non existence. My brain is working, my heart is beating, my involuntary functions are normal. But my feelings are blunt. I, a person who takes pride in calling herself sensitive and emotional, am emotionally numb. Dead inside. It seems as if life is passing me by and I’m standing still watching it go by. I ate food without tasting it, I had a bath without feeling clean at the end of it, I watched a movie without really enjoying it, I listened to my favorite music without it having the calming effect on me that is usually does, I walked for three hours without feeling like I did, I lay down in bed completely awake, waiting for sleep that refused to come, I stood in my room for hours today without realizing where I was what I was doing. And yet there is an inner turmoil raging and wrecking havoc on my peace of mind. I can’t seem to be able to ignore it. My brain works in one direction my heart in another. Bitch of the matter is that I don’t even have the guts to pick up that razor lying in front of me, that is suddenly looking very friendly, and ending it all. I tried, god knows I tried. But like I mentioned earlier I am a weak kneed lily livered milksop who runs like the hounds of Baskerville are on her tail at the mere mention of pain. And yet at the same time I am always in pain, physical and emotional, with an alarmingly high tolerance of it. Maybe that is why I run from more of it. I can’t seem to decide what to do, and what not to. And in the process I am ending up doing all the wrong things, and sinking deeper in the quick sand of troubles and problems. And yet at the same time I can’t seem to gather the courage to do anything about getting out of it. I don’t seem to mind sinking deeper; till it crosses my head and I go into non existence. The will to do anything about what I am going through is just not there. I am alone, I was born alone and I’ve lived alone so far. I have lost a mother to depression that caused her to take her life, I’ve lost a father to a woman who is slowly sucking the life out of him, I’ve lost friends because of my own actions, actions that I do not in any way regret. I should be used to loneliness by now should I not? And yet something in me craves for attention, for love that is only for me and no one else. Craves it so badly that it is becoming more and more difficult to simply exist by the minute. I wait for that one person in my life who would just look at me, or hear my voice and know what is going on inside me. Someone who would love me with all my flaws, all my imperfections, someone who would not ask me to change, someone for whom I am the only girl in the world. I crave for this kind of love for myself. Unconditional and complete. I’ve waited twenty two years for it, for all the love care and affection I never had from anyone, and it still eludes me. As a child I yearned for the love of a mother, as an adolescent I yearned for the love of a father who would not expect me to do excessively well in academics, as an adult now I yearn for the love of a man for whom no one but I exist. The catch in the situation is that after two decades of existing I am not sure I will be able reciprocate in full. I am emotionally numb. I have a lot of hurt, remorse, hate, sadness, melancholic feelings, vengeance and a lot of other very negative feelings in me right now. I am not sure if I will ever find someone who will try to change this. And very honestly I have given up. Ahhh…. The alcohol takes effect now. Seven patialas later…. Sweet! Kill me. Love me. Hate me. Care for me. Look out for me. Anything something… look at me… I am here… standing alone on the edge of a cliff. Stop me from dropping down. Give me a reason to live and enjoy. Give me a reason to not repeat the mistakes of others, to not repeat my own mistakes. Tell me I am alive, and I need to live. I am screaming for it, without a sound coming out of my mouth; hear my silent screams of agony. Help me…..