Incoherence

A long time ago I had some friends. And they betrayed my trust to someone else. It had hurt a lot. And I had taken a long time to overcome the hurt. Back then I had written something of what I had felt and forgotten about it. Until recently, I found that piece of writing. I was made to realize by someone I had just met that I can write what I want to, and to fuck with the world. So what follows are the incoherent ramblings of a 16 year old.

There are times in life when you just cannot trust everybody. Times when people you think you can trust are the ones who betray you. And it is this betrayal that hurts more than a stranger’s betrayal, hurts like hell and makes you feel like shit. Life introduces us to many types of people. But when it introduces you to them it does not say “look buddy here’s a guy you can trust”. It just leaves that part of the introduction out. One’s judgment of another’s character is more often than not wrong. They say never judge a book by its cover, but isn’t that precisely the thing that makes you pick up the book and start reading? Only to find out that that particular book was the worst of the lot. The same goes for people. But isn’t it a fact that a man shows only that side of himself that he wants to show? One can never be too sure of oneself. You cannot be sure of the fact that the person you trust the most won’t betray you, won’t cheat on you, and won’t let you down. I’m saying all this because I’ve been betrayed by all those I loved, liked and trusted. I don’t know how people do that. Doesn’t their conscience rankle them, tell them that playing with another’s emotions is wrong? Till date all my life people have taken me for granted, always had the kind of attitude towards me that one has towards a faithful dog. Taken for granted I believe is the phrase. And that’s all I’ve been reduced to, a support for friends who don’t give a damn one way or the other. It hurts so much to know that the people I thought liked me for what I am actually like me for only one reason: - what they can get out of me. And believe me when I say that I have nothing left to give except my pride and life, which are essentially mine. I’ve been robbed off everything I held dear to myself, my love, my care, my trust, my belief, my strength… everything is gone. Gone to people who only know how to take and not give. Maybe that is how God wanted it to be. Maybe He is trying to teach me something. But tell me after all that has happened is there really room to learn anything more? All that He has succeeded in teaching me is “never trust anyone” and “truth always, but always hurts”. Life is so unfair, and the people in it even more so. Nothing in it comes without a price and if it does, there is always a catch.

Now that I am 22, I read this and realize that the betrayal of a few friends who were not friends to begin with was not as big a deal as I made it to be. Maybe I say this because I am on the brink of betraying some people. I yet again thought I had friends. Something happened recently, something I had no control over, and something that is no one’s but my business. You know I am not a very interfering person. So when someone interferes in my life, I see red. And that is precisely what is happening. People who have absolutely no business interfering in my life are trying to take charge and run it for me. For a moment I felt I’ve lost some really nice friends. But then I realized what sort of a friend will try to make life pure hell for you? Because in my dictionary friends are supposed to help you out when you are in trouble, and scold you when you make mistakes, not take over the reins and run your life for you, and in the process torture you till the point jumping off the window of your seventh floor apartment starts sounding like a great idea. And the funny part is that the person that they are trying to “protect” from me needs no protection. He needs no one’s help to save himself from me, the big bad man eater. And the person being victimized along with me doesn’t need it at this point in their life. Fate has played a twisted game in my life, made me go through things no one should. And to top it off, given me a personality that does not allow me to get over it. I get hurt easily, I hurt others easily, and then I sit and stew over it for years. It takes me years to realize that what is gone is gone and is never going to come back. I realize I am selfish in ways that can only be justified by the fact that I need to protect myself from being hurt. I have known a lot of people in my life, and there have been a fistful that haven’t judged me, or tried to change me. I associate myself at times to a free bird that craves captivity. In the past few months I have been called selfish, irritating, self centered, attention seeking, and heartless. I can understand why anyone would say that to me. I am all of these things. Unfortunately this side of my personality comes out only around people I think would understand my reasons for being so. I accept everyone the way they are, with all their faults and flaws. What I fail to understand is why my flaws always end up being highlighted.
Hmmm it’s a long story yet… I have a lot to say, a lot to understand and a lot to do. For now I am just going to leave it at this. Even as I write this I realize there is no point really since it isn’t going to make two bits of difference in my life. Yet I ramble on like a small child craving for someone to listen to him.