Waiting For Mails That Never Came....

I came to the internet cafe because I had a dream last night that a certain someone had emailed me. Of course there was no mail in my inbox. But I don't believe it. I actually fell for the whole dream thing. I've been waiting for this email for five days now. And the wait's killing me.

Mother Nature....

Well.... I cut my nails today finally, so it has become a lot easier to type! He he he... What can I say, I go through phases where I want to grow them and look like a woman, and then one fine day wake up in the morning with an insane urge to rip them out! It's the same story with my hair... Sigh.. A regular tug-of-war with my baser female instincts and the superficial want to ape a man. Each has it's phase. You can't say i'm not fair!
Anyway... It rained last night. Torrential, tropical rain. Thunder, lightening, nearly gale force wind... The works! For a moment it looked as if mother nature was trying to assert her presence and the fact that we are inspite of all techonological advances still at her merciless hand. Maybe a warning against global warming, maybe just an outlet of her anger at the race that has destroyed her beauty and defiled the planet with toxic waste and concrete jungles. What ever it was, it was glorious. A blatant display of power and authority. For nearly two hours the city came to a stand still and became redundant.
I of coures was out at the time the storm hit the city. And ended up taking refuge under the tent of an andaa lari! It was an extremely amusing situation, exactly the kind of thing that happens to me. Caught in the middle of a lightening strom under a tent rigged up with the support of a tree!! Ha ha ha.... I noticed it after the rain slowed down a bit. Within minutes of rain the street was a tiny river and me and the friend i was stuck with were perched atop a stone placed against the wall by the road. We did not realise at the time we stood on it that we might have to wade through the river to get to the bike. Strange how these small things that matter so much go unnoticed! So here i was standing awestruck waiting to be struck! For nearly an hour and a half we stood there talking trying to ignore the fact that once it slows down, we will have to ride on a bike through muck, slush, splashes from other bikes, and rain. And believe me we did all that, including wading through ankle deep water wearing brand new ADIDAS shoes... Sigh.... Hopefully daddy is not reading this.
And when we eventually did get home we realised if only we'd waited it out at Barista we'd have been dry, warm and human by the time we got back. Not wet, cold, shivering and looking like something the cat dragged in backwards....

Turn The Page.

To some this song will probably sound all wrong here, considering that it's video is based on the life of a strip dancer/hooker, but to me these lyrics mean a lot. They hold a lot of meaning to me, for this is exactly how I've felt at times.

On a long and lonesome highway east of Omaha
You can listen to the engines moaning out as one note song
You think about the woman or the girl you knew the night before

But your thoughts will soon be wandering the way they always do
When you're riding sixteen hours and there's nothing much to do
And you don't feel much like riding, you just wish the trip was through

Here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on the stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page

So you walk into this restaurant strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you, as you re shaking off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you, but you just want to explode

Yeah, most times you cant hear em talk, other times you can
All the same old cliches, is it woman? is it man?
And you always seem outnumbered, you don't dare make a stand
Make your stand

Here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on the stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page

Oo-ooh, out there in the spotlight, you're a million miles away
Every ounce of energy you try to give away
As the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play, yeah

Later in the evening, you lie awake in bed
With the echoes of the amplifiers ringing in your head
You smoke the days last cigarette, remembering what she said
What she said

He-ey

Yeah

And here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on a stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page
There I go - turn that page
There I go, yeah, yeah
There I go, yeah, yeah
There I go, yeah
There I go, yeah
There I go, oo-oo-ooh
There I go
And I'm gone......


And I'm truly gone. The video has these lines that i think i can identify with, that i do identify with.- "If I had to start my life all over again I would make the exact same choices I've made. I think I would make them because of the woman that I am, and the things I've learned from making the choices I have. I'm proud of who I am."
My life has been nothing short of one long performance, and the words of this song are just how it's been at times.

Lonely No More....

I had never imagined that talking to my grandparents could be so cathartic and soothing. I am going through a crisis of sorts, again. I’ve never let anyone know my feelings, my thoughts, and my motives for my actions. I’ve always acted first and thought later. And today for the second time in my life I doubt my actions, nearing the point where I am going to regret my choices. I don’t know what to do anymore. For the first time in my life I am questioning the person I am. I’ve never given a damn to what the world thought of me or my actions. I’ve been a loner so long that all the emotions I’ve suppressed all this time are pouring out in weird manners. I’ve been a loner so long that I’ve forgotten how to share myself. My existence is beginning to resemble an empty shell. Why? I’ve never been upset about myself. I’ve never felt the need to conform to norms, to be nice, to be normal. Then why now? My path ahead is rocky and hard and I’m walking barefoot. I know that at the end lies happiness the likes of which I have only dreamed of, yet my steps falter. I’ve never felt the need for someone in my life quite as desperately as I am feeling it now. I am hurting, hurting badly. But that is not a feeling alien to me, I’ve hurt for as long as can remember. I’ve had wounds inflicted upon me time and again, wounds that have been reopened numerous times. But never has the pain affected me so much. Never have I felt it with this intensity, this severity. Too much pain. I feel incomplete. I am unable to draw strength from my solitude anymore. My solitude. Solitude that was once my best companion that is now beginning to look like a joke, like an enemy. Why? It’s stifling me, this loneliness. And yet alone I shall remain for a long time yet. A very long time. I need to find it in me to befriend myself again, to become my best friend again, to stop looking at the mirror and hating the person I see. I need to be able in the morning and feel like I’m starting on a brand new day. And yet I’m scared of this loneliness. What if when it’s time to give it up, when it’s time to find solace in the arms of another I am not able to? What if I cling to it then? What then? I don’t want to be alone. This loner business needs to stop before it drives me out of my mind and makes me raving lunatic who is in essence a social outcast. Liked by no one, loved by no one, wanted by no one. Who likes no one, loves no one, and wants no one.

Companion or Loner?

Poetry And Matrimonials!

I’m not much of a poet. But there have been times in the past when the poet in me has been drawn out by a slight over indulgence in the spirits. Well it so happened that a few months back I was in Delhi and had had to go all the way to Mathura to attend some wedding function of a friend. Yes my friends the traitors have started getting married. Unfortunately these events have got my poor harassed father very worried and have forced him to start looking through the matrimonial columns of the newspapers. Sad state of affairs but facts remain, my father is a worry wart and shall continue to take random decisions such as this one. Anyway getting back to the point in hand, poetry. So we had gone to this wedding function in Mathura. You know it’s really unfair that he should go through matrimonials. MATRIMONIALS. I mean it’s not as if we will never find men for ourselves (I have a younger sister!) or that the men we do eventually find and want to keep will be complete nincompoops! It’s almost as if he doesn’t trust us at all. I mean what cheek man! Ughhh… I’m deviating from the topic again. So like I said we were at this function and there were drinks there. So obviously, me being me, I was attracted to the bar like a moth is attracted to light. Of course without the knowledge of my poor hapless father. So before the night was over I had managed to over imbibe in the spirits and was a little tipsy and in an extremely poetic mood. So what follows is drunken romanticism. I think it’s pretty neat for someone without a poetic bone in their body.

Stranger in a strange land,
With endless avenues at hand,
It’s hard to decide,
To find some peace of mind,
With so much going on inside

With Orion leading the way,
It’s hard not to say.
The night is beautiful,
An illusion for the fool.
Seducing the unwary,
Abusing the weary.

Star light in the sky,
The moon shining bright.
A meandering road speckled by the light.
We drive through the night,
Without our destination in sight.
Just the star light, just the moon light.

Ha ha ha ha…. Interesting or what? I’m feeling quite pleased with myself. I mean I have never been poetically inclined… and here is a piece of genius! My mind works in strange manners. Well this out of the way, I’m not one to boast too much. Now to address the more serious issue at hand. My soon to expire single status! You know in the 2 decades that I’ve been on this earth; I’ve realized one thing with certainty and without a shadow of doubt. No matter how cool your parents pretend to be, they WILL meddle in your life. I mean I was living a normal happy-go-lucky existence until my father dropped this mega power dung bomb on me. Marriage??? I mean like hello?? I’m barely out of the cradle and he wants to push me out of his house??? Ok ok so I’m 22 yrs old. Cool. Does that mean he starts going through matrimonials? MATRIMONIALS??? Sheesh man those are for the really desperate ones. Not for cool calm composed (not!) people/girls like me. He had threatened to make a profile for me on bharatmatrimony.com. But I’d brushed that off as a bad joke. And it was a long time ago. A very long time ago. Gosh! I never realized he was actually serious. Do you realize the implications of all this?? Do you??? Does anyone know what this means???? I’m going to be made to go through reams of photographs and sit through thousands of vital statistics. Family addresses, numbers, sun signs, favorite colors, height weight, jockey sizes…. You get the drift?? Ok maybe the jockey size was stretching it a bit! Alright the jockey size was a too much, but you never know. More marriages have broken because of lack in size of a certain part of the male anatomy! Anyway, beside the point again. I am distracted tonight! So the torture of choosing a suitable boy starts! Sigh… parents and their whims… I mean why we ALWAYS have to cater to them. There is just never a way out! Pathetic is what I call this! But I guess it is ok. I mean all I am sacrificing is my peace of mind, my single status, my freedom, and my carefree life. Not a lot. Ya right! Fool someone else! Yaaaaa…. Annoying! Have to find a way to slip out of this one. Any ideas?!!

Unfaithful...

The past few weeks have thrown light on a lot aspects of my personality. I finally found something that explains it best...

The sight of you,
rent the heaven in two.
The gasp in your voice
could do that too.
That the sky would fall
with a telephone call.
And leave me standing in an empty hall.
So folly runs like wine
but the empty glass is mine.
You leave no choice
save the last taste of brine.

Envoi

It was you,
that poisoned the morning dew

It's perfect. And this is how i am! According to a few people i shall not name. Tough. Take it or Leave it. I don't give a F***. I love myself, and to hell with what anyone says or thinks! So......
The people who matter know the true me.