Lonely No More....

I had never imagined that talking to my grandparents could be so cathartic and soothing. I am going through a crisis of sorts, again. I’ve never let anyone know my feelings, my thoughts, and my motives for my actions. I’ve always acted first and thought later. And today for the second time in my life I doubt my actions, nearing the point where I am going to regret my choices. I don’t know what to do anymore. For the first time in my life I am questioning the person I am. I’ve never given a damn to what the world thought of me or my actions. I’ve been a loner so long that all the emotions I’ve suppressed all this time are pouring out in weird manners. I’ve been a loner so long that I’ve forgotten how to share myself. My existence is beginning to resemble an empty shell. Why? I’ve never been upset about myself. I’ve never felt the need to conform to norms, to be nice, to be normal. Then why now? My path ahead is rocky and hard and I’m walking barefoot. I know that at the end lies happiness the likes of which I have only dreamed of, yet my steps falter. I’ve never felt the need for someone in my life quite as desperately as I am feeling it now. I am hurting, hurting badly. But that is not a feeling alien to me, I’ve hurt for as long as can remember. I’ve had wounds inflicted upon me time and again, wounds that have been reopened numerous times. But never has the pain affected me so much. Never have I felt it with this intensity, this severity. Too much pain. I feel incomplete. I am unable to draw strength from my solitude anymore. My solitude. Solitude that was once my best companion that is now beginning to look like a joke, like an enemy. Why? It’s stifling me, this loneliness. And yet alone I shall remain for a long time yet. A very long time. I need to find it in me to befriend myself again, to become my best friend again, to stop looking at the mirror and hating the person I see. I need to be able in the morning and feel like I’m starting on a brand new day. And yet I’m scared of this loneliness. What if when it’s time to give it up, when it’s time to find solace in the arms of another I am not able to? What if I cling to it then? What then? I don’t want to be alone. This loner business needs to stop before it drives me out of my mind and makes me raving lunatic who is in essence a social outcast. Liked by no one, loved by no one, wanted by no one. Who likes no one, loves no one, and wants no one.

Companion or Loner?