Goodbyes, Accolades, Teams... A Wonderful Year

Dear Team,

I am sure this mail is a little bit of a surprise for you all! But what to do, I didn't get a chance to say good bye properly when I was leaving (in November). Meeting you all yesterday made me realize that there is some stuff that I do need to say to you all. :) You don't have to read through the entire mail (it's kinda long) just flip to your part!

Torque was my first break in the PR world, and frankly I did not expect to get the job when I had come for the interview. However, I did! (surprise surprise!!) Little did I know back then what a tough job it will be. PR was not at all as glamorous as I had envisioned it to be! At least Torque wasn't! ;) However, eventually I did realize how lucky I had been to have had a chance to associate myself with such a fantastic organization and more than that such a fantastic team!

I want to start with Tanya ;) when I had joined I was supposed to replace her. Of course, she didn't leave (as we all know) and instead ended up replacing me eventually (I say this in the lightest manner possible!) Tanya's capacity to endure stress is phenomenal. She might not look it, but this girl is a powerhouse of charisma! A month into the job I understood that there isn't much this girl is not capable of doing. Tanya, you're a freaking rockstar babe! If I could have even half the strength and endurance you have I would consider myself blessed.

Rashi, my dearest Rashi. If there is one word that comes to mind, perseverance is it. We've had some very heated arguments/discussions in the conference rooms. Intense for us, probably hilarious for the rest of the team. Rashi has teh kind of dogged persistence that very few people have. And rarely have I come across people quite as passionate about causes that they believe in as Rashi is. She might come across as some in who's mouth butter won't melt, but inside that exterior is a big mushy bear! With Rashi conversations were never boring and not a moment was spent talking nonsense.

Shradha has always been something of an enigma to me. One of the best poker faces I have come across on a woman. In the one year I worked at Torque I have never heard Shradha raise her voice for anything. Shraddha exudes a certain aura of patience that I have always admired and wanted to have. Usually silent, when she does speak, everyone listens! Some of the best times I have had at Torque have been the drives back home with Shraddha and Rajesh Sir... And that made me realize that out of office, she is REALLY talkative! And can I  please remind everyone of THE giggling incident when Sir walked in on a really stupid joke?! (Masterji, Pitaji ke patloon ek biyan chhoti kardo!)

Malvika was really scary when she first joined!!! (Don't hate me, girl, you were!) She has this smile that is both beautiful and scary! Shy at first, she comes across as an extremely seedha saadha girl. But once you get to know her you realize that that is just a mask to fool the world! Professionally I thought Malvika is extremely competent and very hard working, not to mention that she has a brain to go with the hard work. Personally, I thought she was quirky and funny! I mean who drinks WARM water in the middle of a scorching summer?! I clearly remember our Ladies Night sojourn to TC! And what happened to your car afterwards!!! She might come across as reserved and strict and all that, but trust me she isn't! Did I mention the crazy sense of humor and an ability to shut even very senior people up with her sharp sense of sarcasm. Keep this going, love. You are going to go places in life!

Sonali and Seep joined a little later, and while my interaction with them has been very little I can definitely say this that without them the team would be very extremely incomplete! Sonali is straightforward and simple, while Seep is the silent one. One thing I can say with complete confidence about Sonali, she gots guts! This one is so focused on her work that to defend it, she will take on ANYONE! And I generally put Seep and Shraddha as the silent ones of our family. Seep might never be heard, but she has a way of asserting her presence. She is also a very warm and caring person once you get to know her.

And let me not forget Unnayan. I have tried his patience and temper beyond belief! And still he has always encouraged me and motivated me to do well (albeit a little back-handedly!) A certain set of documents particularly tested his patience with me (we know what I am talking about). He has his weird moments, but they get overshadowed by his timely one-liners. I had a fantastic time working with him (on most days) I only wish I could have been better and measured up to his standards.

In the end I want to say this: Torque Communications and the people that make it ALL that it is will hold a very special place in my heart. I will always be ready to drop things to help out my people (and yes you all ARE my people). Stay cool, guys!

Loads of Love
S.

Life's Lessons

• Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
• When in doubt, just take the next small step.
• Life is too short – enjoy it..
• Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
• Pay off your credit cards every month.
• You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
• Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
• Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
• When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
• Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
• It's OK to let your children see you cry.
• Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
• If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...
• Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
• Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
• Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
• It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
• When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
• Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
• Over prepare, then go with the flow.
• Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
• The most important sex organ is the brain.
• No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
• Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
• Always choose life.
• Forgive but don’t forget.
• What other people think of you is none of your business.
• Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
• However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
• Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..
• Believe in miracles.
• Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
• Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
• Your children get only one childhood.
• All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
• Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
• If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
• Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

The best is yet to come...

• No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
• Yield.
• Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

A Poem Lost in Time

Beyond the norms of

Right and wrong

Redefining the definitions of

Sin, morality and ethics

Without any judgment

I want to hug you tight

Hold you close

Make you mine...

Where the air is pure

Lush green land and deep blue sky

Where nothing is hidden

Everything out in the open

Beyond the limits of reason

Above the land of the lies

I want to hug you tight

Hold you close

Make you mine...

Where the ropes of

Promises, commitment and liability

Falls short

Where everything becomes one

And the one is everything

Right there my baby

I want to hug you tight

Hold you close

Make you mine... 

- Ashish Mishra

Joy to the World?

There is a certain feeling that only comes at this time of the year. Makes you question the value of happiness and your reason to be happy. The festival season in a manner of speaking makes me question mortality, because ironically it is around this time that you kind of realise who is mourning and who isn’t. it reminds you for the year gone by, the joys and the upsets. More than anything it makes me feel a little bereft. See, till three years ago, I used to be living outside Delhi, away from home. Back then, Diwali meant going home for the holidays! Now I AM home.. and that just feels wrong. There is nothing really to look forward to anymore.

This might sound really jaded, but I have started relating the festival season more with what I lost through the year, than anything else. I look for people who have lost, and are mourning, and I realise that sounds very morbid but it is a fact. For some reason it hits the closest to home at this time of the year. Even New Year’s eve isn’t capable of being as depressing as this time.

Which is why, it was such a blessing to live away. Being home for the holidays meant a stress free few weeks, with loads of food, fun, relatives and gifts. Now all that is still there, but there is no inkling of stress free time.

The Song of the Traveller - Jose Rizal

What a beautiful poem, especially for V.

The Song of the Traveler

-Jose Rizal

Like to a leaf that is fallen and withered,

Tossed by the tempest from pole unto pole ;

Thus roams the pilgrim abroad without purpose,

Roams without love, without country or soul.

Following anxiously treacherous fortune,

Fortune which e 'en as he grasps at it flees ;

Vain though the hopes that his yearning is seeking,

Yet does the pilgrim embark on the seas !

Ever impelled by the invisible power,

Destined to roam from the East to the West ;

Oft he remembers the faces of loved ones,

Dreams of the day when he, too, was at rest.

Chance may assign him a tomb on the desert,

Grant him a final asylum of peace ;

Soon by the world and his country forgotten,

God rest his soul when his wanderings cease !

Often the sorrowing pilgrim is envied,

Circling the globe like a sea-gull above ;

Little, ah, little they know what a void

Saddens his soul by the absence of love.

Home may the pilgrim return in the future,

Back to his loved ones his footsteps he bends ;

Naught wìll he find but the snow and the ruins,

Ashes of love and the tomb of his friends,

Pilgrim, begone ! Nor return more hereafter,

Stranger thou art in the land of thy birth ;

Others may sing of their love while rejoicing,

Thou once again must roam o'er the earth.

Pilgrim, begone ! Nor return more hereafter,

Dry are the tears that a while for thee ran ;

Pilgrim, begone ! And forget thine affliction,

Loud laughs the world at the sorrows of man.

Translated by Arthur P.Ferguson

Ramblings..

When you meet people you’ve known for a while, you figure they’d understand what you want. They’d get that you have a need to figure things out with that someone who is so important to you. There is however always that apprehension that you might not be as important to that person. That as always they can turn their back on you and go to sleep.  And no matter how drunk you are, how drunk you want to be, some fantasies do not turn into reality. While life may offer an excuse, it isn’t an excuse valid enough for you to believe. Ever. And no matter how hard you try you simply cannot figure things out. There is a certain restlessness about every thing you do, you think, you try.  And no amount of striving for inner peace helps. I sit here, in a strange room with feet slowly turning cold, and a heart that feels like it beats just because it has to. Not because it wants to. A chronic short fall of emotion, of intelligence, of guts, of everything that makes living worth its while. And try as you might there is nothing that can fill a void caused by a void an emptiness that you have begun to feel has become an inherent part of who you are. Sleep.

Pain

Jim Butcher never ever ceases to stun me. Some of his more profound writing:

"We still hadn't learned, though, that growing up is all about getting hurt. And then getting over it. You hurt. You recover. You move on. Odds are pretty good you're just going to get hurt again. But each time, you learn something.

Each time, you come out of it a little stronger, and at some point you realize that there are more flavors of pain than coffee. There's the little empty pain of leaving something behind - graduating, taking the next step forward, walking out of something familiar and safe into the unknown. There's the big, whirling pain of life upending all of your plans and expectations. There's the sharp little pains of failure, and the more obscure aches of successes that didn't give you what you thought they would. There are the vicious, stabbing pains of hopes being torn up. The sweet little pains of finding others, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life they grow and learn. There's the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend and help them bear their burdens.

And if you're very, very lucky, there are a very few blazing hot little pains you feel when you realized that you are standing in a moment of utter perfection, an instant of triumph, or happiness, or mirth which at the same time cannot possibly last - and yet will remain with you for life.

Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.

Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another"

Somebody that I used to know

Ever since I heard this song, its been rotating in my head. I love it. The words are so perfect. They fit. Here goes:

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough

No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
Guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believin' it was always something that I'd done

But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh

But you didn't have cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing (oh)
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
and that feels so rough

(oh)

No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect you records
And then change your number (oh)
Guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know
Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (somebody) (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know
I used to know
Somebody

Vanish

How can you believe someone who doesn’t exist online or in any virtual capacity? It is fishy as well as extremely mysterious. What kind of a person would have no virtual presence at all? I’ve got my theories about this theory. I mean there are several types of people who have no virtual presence. If I someday decided to go AWOL the first thing I’d do is vanish my digital signature. Google may be the God of search, but someone is determined not to be found will not be found. Ever. It is very possible to create a virtual black hole around your presence. To begin with get rid of that Facebook page. Get rid of email, and any other sites you may ever have signed up on. And viola, you do not exist.

However the bigger question here is not how to vanish, but why? What life event would be so scary, so traumatic that you'd wanna vanish? Alright there are quite a few reasons for someone to not have a virtual existence. For instance, a friend of mine was telling me sometime time back about such a thing. Apparently someone she knew met a guy on the party circuit. Said guy and girl became friends and eventually the girl decided, let me check this guy out. I mean why not, right? He didn't have a Facebook page, didn't have a Twitter page, and Google actually showed no results upon searching his name. Eventually they found out he was some kinda psycho, with a rap sheet a mile long and history of rape. Wow, huh?

It made me wonder, how much we have come to depend on the digital world. Even a decade back, the internet did not exist. Or at least a dependence on it wasn't there. Today, if you don't exist on the internet, you're probably a serial killer. Or just vary of the net, like my father, though he has email and a Facebook page and Linkedin! Law Enforcement has Cyber Crime Units for crying out aloud! Okay, i digress with this..

Coming back to the reasons for vanishing online. I believe, if I ever wanted complete peace and isolation, I would vanish my digital life. Go offline everywhere, Facebook, Twitter, Blogspot, Scribed, BM, Whatsapp, and the whole lot of them. I realize life would probably be a lot simpler and a lot easier if these things did not exist. Of course, today, life would be a lot lonelier if some form of presence wasn't maintained on these platforms. But, I also know, that would take a huge amount emotional distress to take this step. That or maybe I'll just stop caring about the world in general.

A thought comes to me as I write this. I met someone who did not exist online. He isn't a serial killer, just a normal guy who gave the wrong name. But, and that is a huge but (pun unintended), there was some sort of an attraction about someone who had no virtual presence. A mysteriousness that is almost magnetic in nature. It was this that got me thinking. Without doubt, I now know, that the allure of someone who is non-existent is far larger than the hottest, most charming and amazing guy you will ever meet. Someone who does not exist will ALWAYS be on your thoughts, it's like fuel for the fire that is your imagination. You will think and analyze and discuss it to death with your friends, they will warn you to stay away, and it will just get harder and harder to stay away. I am not the sort of person who can ever ignore a challenge, or a mystery. And that pretty much explains this monologue, and postmorten of events, feeling, reasons... 

All This Time

They say time heals every hurt. What they forget is that every hurt leaves a scar. It can be a tiny little abrasion on the skin, and it can be an ugly puckered pink angry lil fella. The point is that there is a scar. A scar that you can look at and remember the hurt it came from. Like the one on the side of my wrist. Slim long white line from over a decade ago. I still remember how I got it. I remember being chased around all over the school canteen, and then doing some chasing of my own. I remember my friend catching me, I remember said friend's obscenely huge watch scratching against my wrist, I remember going to the clinic, and I remember getting bandaged up by HIM. I didn't change that bandage for two whole days! (yikes right?) And I remember spending three years pining over him. I remember looking at the scar and sighing.. I remember looking at the scar and cringing. I still see that scar and get taken back to that August day in 1999...
And then there are scars that are entirely internal... Scars that no one can see, but you know are there. Scars that make their presence felt every now and then. Scars of wounds from long ago, wounds that were accidental, deliberate and stupid. Yes they can be all three at the same time. And it is these scars that keep from healing. That time can not change, that time cannot heal, that never fade away, no matter how long it has been since they were created. And yes, these are scars that are created... They are after all deliberate in nature.