A Not So Average Day

So here I am stuck in the elevator alone. Sweet! It all started this morning when I did not wake up with the alarm. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a slacker or a lazy bum, at least not when it is time to get up for THE job interview of my life. But today for some reason I did not wake up with the first tinkle of the alarm clock, nor did its incessant ringing break me out of my dream. Oh! Yes of course the dream. How can I forget the dream? I am a self confessed dreamer. I live more in my dream world than in reality. Not a particularly good thing to be doing, considering that I’m more often than not quite rudely pulled out of my state of parallel existence, usually to find myself either on my rear on the floor(or road!) or in a situation where all eyes are on me waiting for me to speak and I’m a million miles away. Embarrassing. Extremely embarrassing. Sort of like the time in a movie hall when you anticipate a loud moment in the movie and decide to speak loudly to make yourself heard and the movie decides to silence out. Of course then not only the people sitting with you hear you, but the entire auditorium has an insight to your opinion!! That is my life. So like I was saying I did not wake up with the alarm. Instead my brain broke out of sleep one and a half hour after the time I was due to wake up. Sheesh… so me, a person who is obsessively methodological, slow and organized ended up rushing through my morning routine (I must admit here that I hate rushing through anything) got dressed, locked up and called for the elevator (my house is on the seventh floor). Of course of all the times for the lift to be jammed on the ground floor it had to be today, when I was in a hurry that it actually was jammed. Cursing a blue streak, I ran down the stairs, only to reach the complex entrance and find no auto rickshaws there. (My father refuses to trust me with anything that moves and that needs to be operated on the street as conveyance. I am 22 yrs old in case you’re wondering.) So I ended up walking nearly a kilometer before I came by a rickshaw. By now I was good 45 minutes late. I called my future employer and made some very random excuses. (I don’t think she quite believed me, but by now I did not care, I just wanted to reach the office before lunch hour!) Well just when I thought things were getting along just fine, something had to happen. What I still fail to understand is why the hell did I not see it coming and anticipate it? I mean Murphy’s most basic Law was written with me in mind. The rickshaw broke down. It just stopped, along with my heartbeat. “Sorry Madam gas over.” Said the poor hapless driver. I did not blame him, though I did indulge in a slanging match with him. It was just not my day. These things pick the damnedest time to happen. Why today? Why when I need to make an impression? (all chances of which had been shot to hell by now, by the way) anyway, I managed to get a grip on my anger, (with A LOT of difficulty might I admit, deep breaths counting till ten… no make that a hundred et all) and got out of the useless rickshaw (all the while cursing my dad for his lack in faith in me, though I have to admit, it might not have made much of a difference, considering the current state of affairs and the way things were going. The car would probably have given up on me, the kinetic would probably have run out of gas as well, and the bicycle… well… it would probably have crash landed against the divider, with me still on it, mind you.) Now here is the tough part, the stupid vehicle had run out of gas in an area of the city where there wasn’t another rickshaw in sight for miles. So I walked. It’s what I invariably end up doing in situations like this. This should give you an insight into my sorry state of affairs (on GOOD days, when I did not have interviews to attend). Eventually I did get another rickshaw, after miles of walking, it did seem like miles. Oh! And did I mention, it was raining? My brand new salwar kameez was now limp and hanging on my persona, and to top it all off, dripping color. Dripping color, I tell you. When one spends nearly a fortune on clothes like these the least one expects is that the color wouldn’t run. But what can I say? I repeat, it was just one of those days. I did finally reach the office, a full two hours late. The irony of it all was that, owing to the rains they had called off the interview, because most of the candidate had failed to turn up!! Just my luck! Sigh… now to trudge back home. I walked in the rain, in for a dime in for a dollar. Only by this time my luck seemed to have improved, a friend of mine working for the same company was in possession of a car and offered to drop me back. It was a run down beat up old thing, so I guess my being wet and dripping color did not make much difference. I did look at the vehicle a little skeptically. Will it break down mid way? It did not. We reached my apartment complex, I thanked my friend, got out of the car and made a dash for the building (frankly I had out run my endurance to water). I decided not to risk the elevator in case it got stuck somewhere and did not reach the ground floor. I climbed stairs. Yes I climbed seven stories up. I reached my floor huffing and puffing and completely out of breath. It was not funny. And it was then that I realized that I had left my mobile phone and wallet in my friend’s car. Of all the moronic things to do. To hell with it, I thought. I’ll take it later. Luckily for me, the elevator stopped at my floor just then, with my poor friend in it.

To be continued......

Fractions of Seconds....

It’s strange the way things work out, the way events taint your perceptions, the way one look from someone can make you feel like the queen of hearts or the jack of none. People change, places change, view points shift, hell civilizations fall. Stars are born every day, life is created and universes are destroyed in fractions of seconds. And yet life strangely goes on. To quote John Hammond, “Life finds a way”. It rains today like it’ll never stop, and tomorrow dawns bright and sunny. Somewhere a hurricane passes leaving a trail of destruction, chaos and death in its wake and in another place a baby is born, life is created. There exists a balance of very strange kind in the universe, unknown to us, unexplained to us, incomprehensible by us. Every day someone falls in love and someone crash lands out of it. Somewhere war ravages humanity and in another place humanity celebrates peace. All in a fraction of a second, in different universes. And yet something upsets the balance and it’s never the same again. Life goes on, but everything is different. Like a kaleidoscope, turn it and a different picture takes form in front of your eyes. And yet it’s all so relative, so open to interpretation, so crystal clear, yet so encrypted. It’s the same kaleidoscope, with the same pieces of paper in it, but on twist and the form they make changes. The pieces shuffle creating something different, something that never again goes back to the original form. The alteration is so deep and different that nothing of the original remains and you sit and wonder what the hell happened. Like I mentioned earlier, people change, places change, view points shift, civilizations fall, all in fractions of seconds, and over millennia of years. Change is instaneous, yet it’s the slowest process that happens. You can wake up feeling at the top of the world and go to bed feeling like the scum of the world.

Waiting For Mails That Never Came....

I came to the internet cafe because I had a dream last night that a certain someone had emailed me. Of course there was no mail in my inbox. But I don't believe it. I actually fell for the whole dream thing. I've been waiting for this email for five days now. And the wait's killing me.

Mother Nature....

Well.... I cut my nails today finally, so it has become a lot easier to type! He he he... What can I say, I go through phases where I want to grow them and look like a woman, and then one fine day wake up in the morning with an insane urge to rip them out! It's the same story with my hair... Sigh.. A regular tug-of-war with my baser female instincts and the superficial want to ape a man. Each has it's phase. You can't say i'm not fair!
Anyway... It rained last night. Torrential, tropical rain. Thunder, lightening, nearly gale force wind... The works! For a moment it looked as if mother nature was trying to assert her presence and the fact that we are inspite of all techonological advances still at her merciless hand. Maybe a warning against global warming, maybe just an outlet of her anger at the race that has destroyed her beauty and defiled the planet with toxic waste and concrete jungles. What ever it was, it was glorious. A blatant display of power and authority. For nearly two hours the city came to a stand still and became redundant.
I of coures was out at the time the storm hit the city. And ended up taking refuge under the tent of an andaa lari! It was an extremely amusing situation, exactly the kind of thing that happens to me. Caught in the middle of a lightening strom under a tent rigged up with the support of a tree!! Ha ha ha.... I noticed it after the rain slowed down a bit. Within minutes of rain the street was a tiny river and me and the friend i was stuck with were perched atop a stone placed against the wall by the road. We did not realise at the time we stood on it that we might have to wade through the river to get to the bike. Strange how these small things that matter so much go unnoticed! So here i was standing awestruck waiting to be struck! For nearly an hour and a half we stood there talking trying to ignore the fact that once it slows down, we will have to ride on a bike through muck, slush, splashes from other bikes, and rain. And believe me we did all that, including wading through ankle deep water wearing brand new ADIDAS shoes... Sigh.... Hopefully daddy is not reading this.
And when we eventually did get home we realised if only we'd waited it out at Barista we'd have been dry, warm and human by the time we got back. Not wet, cold, shivering and looking like something the cat dragged in backwards....

Turn The Page.

To some this song will probably sound all wrong here, considering that it's video is based on the life of a strip dancer/hooker, but to me these lyrics mean a lot. They hold a lot of meaning to me, for this is exactly how I've felt at times.

On a long and lonesome highway east of Omaha
You can listen to the engines moaning out as one note song
You think about the woman or the girl you knew the night before

But your thoughts will soon be wandering the way they always do
When you're riding sixteen hours and there's nothing much to do
And you don't feel much like riding, you just wish the trip was through

Here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on the stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page

So you walk into this restaurant strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you, as you re shaking off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you, but you just want to explode

Yeah, most times you cant hear em talk, other times you can
All the same old cliches, is it woman? is it man?
And you always seem outnumbered, you don't dare make a stand
Make your stand

Here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on the stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page

Oo-ooh, out there in the spotlight, you're a million miles away
Every ounce of energy you try to give away
As the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play, yeah

Later in the evening, you lie awake in bed
With the echoes of the amplifiers ringing in your head
You smoke the days last cigarette, remembering what she said
What she said

He-ey

Yeah

And here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on a stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page
There I go - turn that page
There I go, yeah, yeah
There I go, yeah, yeah
There I go, yeah
There I go, yeah
There I go, oo-oo-ooh
There I go
And I'm gone......


And I'm truly gone. The video has these lines that i think i can identify with, that i do identify with.- "If I had to start my life all over again I would make the exact same choices I've made. I think I would make them because of the woman that I am, and the things I've learned from making the choices I have. I'm proud of who I am."
My life has been nothing short of one long performance, and the words of this song are just how it's been at times.

Lonely No More....

I had never imagined that talking to my grandparents could be so cathartic and soothing. I am going through a crisis of sorts, again. I’ve never let anyone know my feelings, my thoughts, and my motives for my actions. I’ve always acted first and thought later. And today for the second time in my life I doubt my actions, nearing the point where I am going to regret my choices. I don’t know what to do anymore. For the first time in my life I am questioning the person I am. I’ve never given a damn to what the world thought of me or my actions. I’ve been a loner so long that all the emotions I’ve suppressed all this time are pouring out in weird manners. I’ve been a loner so long that I’ve forgotten how to share myself. My existence is beginning to resemble an empty shell. Why? I’ve never been upset about myself. I’ve never felt the need to conform to norms, to be nice, to be normal. Then why now? My path ahead is rocky and hard and I’m walking barefoot. I know that at the end lies happiness the likes of which I have only dreamed of, yet my steps falter. I’ve never felt the need for someone in my life quite as desperately as I am feeling it now. I am hurting, hurting badly. But that is not a feeling alien to me, I’ve hurt for as long as can remember. I’ve had wounds inflicted upon me time and again, wounds that have been reopened numerous times. But never has the pain affected me so much. Never have I felt it with this intensity, this severity. Too much pain. I feel incomplete. I am unable to draw strength from my solitude anymore. My solitude. Solitude that was once my best companion that is now beginning to look like a joke, like an enemy. Why? It’s stifling me, this loneliness. And yet alone I shall remain for a long time yet. A very long time. I need to find it in me to befriend myself again, to become my best friend again, to stop looking at the mirror and hating the person I see. I need to be able in the morning and feel like I’m starting on a brand new day. And yet I’m scared of this loneliness. What if when it’s time to give it up, when it’s time to find solace in the arms of another I am not able to? What if I cling to it then? What then? I don’t want to be alone. This loner business needs to stop before it drives me out of my mind and makes me raving lunatic who is in essence a social outcast. Liked by no one, loved by no one, wanted by no one. Who likes no one, loves no one, and wants no one.

Companion or Loner?

Poetry And Matrimonials!

I’m not much of a poet. But there have been times in the past when the poet in me has been drawn out by a slight over indulgence in the spirits. Well it so happened that a few months back I was in Delhi and had had to go all the way to Mathura to attend some wedding function of a friend. Yes my friends the traitors have started getting married. Unfortunately these events have got my poor harassed father very worried and have forced him to start looking through the matrimonial columns of the newspapers. Sad state of affairs but facts remain, my father is a worry wart and shall continue to take random decisions such as this one. Anyway getting back to the point in hand, poetry. So we had gone to this wedding function in Mathura. You know it’s really unfair that he should go through matrimonials. MATRIMONIALS. I mean it’s not as if we will never find men for ourselves (I have a younger sister!) or that the men we do eventually find and want to keep will be complete nincompoops! It’s almost as if he doesn’t trust us at all. I mean what cheek man! Ughhh… I’m deviating from the topic again. So like I said we were at this function and there were drinks there. So obviously, me being me, I was attracted to the bar like a moth is attracted to light. Of course without the knowledge of my poor hapless father. So before the night was over I had managed to over imbibe in the spirits and was a little tipsy and in an extremely poetic mood. So what follows is drunken romanticism. I think it’s pretty neat for someone without a poetic bone in their body.

Stranger in a strange land,
With endless avenues at hand,
It’s hard to decide,
To find some peace of mind,
With so much going on inside

With Orion leading the way,
It’s hard not to say.
The night is beautiful,
An illusion for the fool.
Seducing the unwary,
Abusing the weary.

Star light in the sky,
The moon shining bright.
A meandering road speckled by the light.
We drive through the night,
Without our destination in sight.
Just the star light, just the moon light.

Ha ha ha ha…. Interesting or what? I’m feeling quite pleased with myself. I mean I have never been poetically inclined… and here is a piece of genius! My mind works in strange manners. Well this out of the way, I’m not one to boast too much. Now to address the more serious issue at hand. My soon to expire single status! You know in the 2 decades that I’ve been on this earth; I’ve realized one thing with certainty and without a shadow of doubt. No matter how cool your parents pretend to be, they WILL meddle in your life. I mean I was living a normal happy-go-lucky existence until my father dropped this mega power dung bomb on me. Marriage??? I mean like hello?? I’m barely out of the cradle and he wants to push me out of his house??? Ok ok so I’m 22 yrs old. Cool. Does that mean he starts going through matrimonials? MATRIMONIALS??? Sheesh man those are for the really desperate ones. Not for cool calm composed (not!) people/girls like me. He had threatened to make a profile for me on bharatmatrimony.com. But I’d brushed that off as a bad joke. And it was a long time ago. A very long time ago. Gosh! I never realized he was actually serious. Do you realize the implications of all this?? Do you??? Does anyone know what this means???? I’m going to be made to go through reams of photographs and sit through thousands of vital statistics. Family addresses, numbers, sun signs, favorite colors, height weight, jockey sizes…. You get the drift?? Ok maybe the jockey size was stretching it a bit! Alright the jockey size was a too much, but you never know. More marriages have broken because of lack in size of a certain part of the male anatomy! Anyway, beside the point again. I am distracted tonight! So the torture of choosing a suitable boy starts! Sigh… parents and their whims… I mean why we ALWAYS have to cater to them. There is just never a way out! Pathetic is what I call this! But I guess it is ok. I mean all I am sacrificing is my peace of mind, my single status, my freedom, and my carefree life. Not a lot. Ya right! Fool someone else! Yaaaaa…. Annoying! Have to find a way to slip out of this one. Any ideas?!!

Unfaithful...

The past few weeks have thrown light on a lot aspects of my personality. I finally found something that explains it best...

The sight of you,
rent the heaven in two.
The gasp in your voice
could do that too.
That the sky would fall
with a telephone call.
And leave me standing in an empty hall.
So folly runs like wine
but the empty glass is mine.
You leave no choice
save the last taste of brine.

Envoi

It was you,
that poisoned the morning dew

It's perfect. And this is how i am! According to a few people i shall not name. Tough. Take it or Leave it. I don't give a F***. I love myself, and to hell with what anyone says or thinks! So......
The people who matter know the true me.

The Angel....

I passed death on the street today. I was crossing the road, and the next thing I knew I was lying innate on the asphalt, seeing stardust behind my closed eyelids. I lay there, wondering whether I can actually feel every part of me. I think except my head I felt everything. I opened my eyes to a slit, and a woman was standing over me looking down at my face. She is so beautiful came the unbidden thought. She extended one soft cold hand towards me, and I reached out to take it. My hand was a millimeter from hers when her face contorted to an ugly shriek and she was pulled away, as if sucked into a vortex. And suddenly standing in front of me was an angel so ugly the only links to him being an angel were the wings and the halo. There was nothing beautiful about this carrier of good. A twisted contorted ugly scarred face, that seemed to constantly sneer. “It’s not your time, child” he said in a voice that could only do justice to horror movies. It was a guttural sound that seemed to emit from the very depth of his being. A growl fierce enough to scare the living day lights out of any god fearing man. In my case it was that voice that pulled me out of the trance. I opened my eyes to see a horde of people collectively release a sigh of relief at my seemingly normal reaction. Apparently I had been unconscious for a long time. I tried to sit up and found that I did not have the will to. My eyes scanned the crowd gathered around me, and I saw that face again. The twisted features trying a smile of encouragement. And at the other end stood the lady, looking at me longingly, willing me to give up. I could feel the emotions emitting from her, the emotions that longed for my soul. With a deep breathe I sat up. It cost me, oh how it cost me to sit up. But I did it. I sat up and saw the woman being sucked back into what seemed to me a swirl that resembled a vortex, I heard her scream of frustration. Strangely no one around me seemed to have heard it or seen her. The man was still there, and I swear I felt a gentle nudge that could only have come from the energy humming around him, and I stood up. And there in front of me the angel took off on his wings, the last glance I got of him was that of his face, which was now a beautiful cherubic face. Sigh…. It was not my time to go he had said, but damn it had felt so nice to just give up and follow the lady. And yet when I got up, I felt more alive than I had felt ever before. It was as if someone had filled me up with positive energy so strong that there was a buoyancy in my step. I brushed my jeans picked up my bag, and walked off through the crowd, ignoring its shouts of concern. I was alive and I was complete. That was all that mattered. The wounds could be looked into later, could be licked later. There was enough time for all that. At the moment I was rejoicing in the feeling of being gloriously alive again. Life is ugly, but a shift in the angle of the kaleidoscope can make all the difference. Death is beautiful, but only from afar. I was alive that is all I cared about. And as if the heavens wanted to send me a sign, it started to rain, torrential rainfall. With a sun blazing down on mother earth, was it just my imagination or was that really the sun in all its glory? I didn’t care. The rain soaked me to my skin, and I was alive!

Determination....

My blog is quick resembling that of an acutely depressed suicidal person.... Life!
BUT..... All shall change, soon. I feel I am finally closer to finding my answers, finding my path, finding my self. I am going to let go of a lot of things, a lot of people, and I am going to ask a few things to leave me, a few people to leave.
One day i shall fly higher than the hawk.