Someone once told me that a bald woman is a liberated woman. I should be bald by that definition. But I am not because I guess I'm not as liberated yet. But I do know this much that I don't give a flying f*** to what anyone thinks of me or my actions. They are my own and not forced upon me. I chose to act the way I did and the consequences are exactly what I had expected them to be (at the back of my mind). I lost a few friends due to my actions and I do not regret it, for if they think I am capable of doing what I did with the reasons they think I had then I do not consider them worthy enough of my friendship. I am taking control of my life. I am arriving. I am the best. I am a woman who has finally found her way. I am free of all boundaries. I am rid of all my problems. I am free to do what I want. FINALLY.
Color me RED.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Incoherence
A long time ago I had some friends. And they betrayed my trust to someone else. It had hurt a lot. And I had taken a long time to overcome the hurt. Back then I had written something of what I had felt and forgotten about it. Until recently, I found that piece of writing. I was made to realize by someone I had just met that I can write what I want to, and to fuck with the world. So what follows are the incoherent ramblings of a 16 year old.
There are times in life when you just cannot trust everybody. Times when people you think you can trust are the ones who betray you. And it is this betrayal that hurts more than a stranger’s betrayal, hurts like hell and makes you feel like shit. Life introduces us to many types of people. But when it introduces you to them it does not say “look buddy here’s a guy you can trust”. It just leaves that part of the introduction out. One’s judgment of another’s character is more often than not wrong. They say never judge a book by its cover, but isn’t that precisely the thing that makes you pick up the book and start reading? Only to find out that that particular book was the worst of the lot. The same goes for people. But isn’t it a fact that a man shows only that side of himself that he wants to show? One can never be too sure of oneself. You cannot be sure of the fact that the person you trust the most won’t betray you, won’t cheat on you, and won’t let you down. I’m saying all this because I’ve been betrayed by all those I loved, liked and trusted. I don’t know how people do that. Doesn’t their conscience rankle them, tell them that playing with another’s emotions is wrong? Till date all my life people have taken me for granted, always had the kind of attitude towards me that one has towards a faithful dog. Taken for granted I believe is the phrase. And that’s all I’ve been reduced to, a support for friends who don’t give a damn one way or the other. It hurts so much to know that the people I thought liked me for what I am actually like me for only one reason: - what they can get out of me. And believe me when I say that I have nothing left to give except my pride and life, which are essentially mine. I’ve been robbed off everything I held dear to myself, my love, my care, my trust, my belief, my strength… everything is gone. Gone to people who only know how to take and not give. Maybe that is how God wanted it to be. Maybe He is trying to teach me something. But tell me after all that has happened is there really room to learn anything more? All that He has succeeded in teaching me is “never trust anyone” and “truth always, but always hurts”. Life is so unfair, and the people in it even more so. Nothing in it comes without a price and if it does, there is always a catch.
Now that I am 22, I read this and realize that the betrayal of a few friends who were not friends to begin with was not as big a deal as I made it to be. Maybe I say this because I am on the brink of betraying some people. I yet again thought I had friends. Something happened recently, something I had no control over, and something that is no one’s but my business. You know I am not a very interfering person. So when someone interferes in my life, I see red. And that is precisely what is happening. People who have absolutely no business interfering in my life are trying to take charge and run it for me. For a moment I felt I’ve lost some really nice friends. But then I realized what sort of a friend will try to make life pure hell for you? Because in my dictionary friends are supposed to help you out when you are in trouble, and scold you when you make mistakes, not take over the reins and run your life for you, and in the process torture you till the point jumping off the window of your seventh floor apartment starts sounding like a great idea. And the funny part is that the person that they are trying to “protect” from me needs no protection. He needs no one’s help to save himself from me, the big bad man eater. And the person being victimized along with me doesn’t need it at this point in their life. Fate has played a twisted game in my life, made me go through things no one should. And to top it off, given me a personality that does not allow me to get over it. I get hurt easily, I hurt others easily, and then I sit and stew over it for years. It takes me years to realize that what is gone is gone and is never going to come back. I realize I am selfish in ways that can only be justified by the fact that I need to protect myself from being hurt. I have known a lot of people in my life, and there have been a fistful that haven’t judged me, or tried to change me. I associate myself at times to a free bird that craves captivity. In the past few months I have been called selfish, irritating, self centered, attention seeking, and heartless. I can understand why anyone would say that to me. I am all of these things. Unfortunately this side of my personality comes out only around people I think would understand my reasons for being so. I accept everyone the way they are, with all their faults and flaws. What I fail to understand is why my flaws always end up being highlighted.
Hmmm it’s a long story yet… I have a lot to say, a lot to understand and a lot to do. For now I am just going to leave it at this. Even as I write this I realize there is no point really since it isn’t going to make two bits of difference in my life. Yet I ramble on like a small child craving for someone to listen to him.
There are times in life when you just cannot trust everybody. Times when people you think you can trust are the ones who betray you. And it is this betrayal that hurts more than a stranger’s betrayal, hurts like hell and makes you feel like shit. Life introduces us to many types of people. But when it introduces you to them it does not say “look buddy here’s a guy you can trust”. It just leaves that part of the introduction out. One’s judgment of another’s character is more often than not wrong. They say never judge a book by its cover, but isn’t that precisely the thing that makes you pick up the book and start reading? Only to find out that that particular book was the worst of the lot. The same goes for people. But isn’t it a fact that a man shows only that side of himself that he wants to show? One can never be too sure of oneself. You cannot be sure of the fact that the person you trust the most won’t betray you, won’t cheat on you, and won’t let you down. I’m saying all this because I’ve been betrayed by all those I loved, liked and trusted. I don’t know how people do that. Doesn’t their conscience rankle them, tell them that playing with another’s emotions is wrong? Till date all my life people have taken me for granted, always had the kind of attitude towards me that one has towards a faithful dog. Taken for granted I believe is the phrase. And that’s all I’ve been reduced to, a support for friends who don’t give a damn one way or the other. It hurts so much to know that the people I thought liked me for what I am actually like me for only one reason: - what they can get out of me. And believe me when I say that I have nothing left to give except my pride and life, which are essentially mine. I’ve been robbed off everything I held dear to myself, my love, my care, my trust, my belief, my strength… everything is gone. Gone to people who only know how to take and not give. Maybe that is how God wanted it to be. Maybe He is trying to teach me something. But tell me after all that has happened is there really room to learn anything more? All that He has succeeded in teaching me is “never trust anyone” and “truth always, but always hurts”. Life is so unfair, and the people in it even more so. Nothing in it comes without a price and if it does, there is always a catch.
Now that I am 22, I read this and realize that the betrayal of a few friends who were not friends to begin with was not as big a deal as I made it to be. Maybe I say this because I am on the brink of betraying some people. I yet again thought I had friends. Something happened recently, something I had no control over, and something that is no one’s but my business. You know I am not a very interfering person. So when someone interferes in my life, I see red. And that is precisely what is happening. People who have absolutely no business interfering in my life are trying to take charge and run it for me. For a moment I felt I’ve lost some really nice friends. But then I realized what sort of a friend will try to make life pure hell for you? Because in my dictionary friends are supposed to help you out when you are in trouble, and scold you when you make mistakes, not take over the reins and run your life for you, and in the process torture you till the point jumping off the window of your seventh floor apartment starts sounding like a great idea. And the funny part is that the person that they are trying to “protect” from me needs no protection. He needs no one’s help to save himself from me, the big bad man eater. And the person being victimized along with me doesn’t need it at this point in their life. Fate has played a twisted game in my life, made me go through things no one should. And to top it off, given me a personality that does not allow me to get over it. I get hurt easily, I hurt others easily, and then I sit and stew over it for years. It takes me years to realize that what is gone is gone and is never going to come back. I realize I am selfish in ways that can only be justified by the fact that I need to protect myself from being hurt. I have known a lot of people in my life, and there have been a fistful that haven’t judged me, or tried to change me. I associate myself at times to a free bird that craves captivity. In the past few months I have been called selfish, irritating, self centered, attention seeking, and heartless. I can understand why anyone would say that to me. I am all of these things. Unfortunately this side of my personality comes out only around people I think would understand my reasons for being so. I accept everyone the way they are, with all their faults and flaws. What I fail to understand is why my flaws always end up being highlighted.
Hmmm it’s a long story yet… I have a lot to say, a lot to understand and a lot to do. For now I am just going to leave it at this. Even as I write this I realize there is no point really since it isn’t going to make two bits of difference in my life. Yet I ramble on like a small child craving for someone to listen to him.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Hey Oh!!!
Come to decide that the things that I tried were in my life just to get high on.
When I sit alone, come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh
When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more - time to decide on.
Well it's kiliing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to belive that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
Come back and hey oh,
look at what I say oh
The more I see the less I knowThe more I like to let it go - hey oh, woah...
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Finally divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go;
Inbetween the cover of another perfect wonder and it's so white as snow,
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.Ho!
Went to descend to ammend for a friend of the channels that had broken down.
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up - just to hear you sing it out.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky,
And I do belive what we rely on,
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrificeHey oh...
Listen what I say ohI got your hey oh...
listen what I say oh
The more I see, the less I knowThe more I like to let it go - hey oh woah...
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Finally divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go
Inbetween the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Finaly divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go.
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow...
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey oh yeah oh yeah... tell my love now
Hey yeah yeah... oh yeah
Red Hot Chilli Peppers, somehow always manage to define my state of mind perfectly. I love this song and it's lyrics... Ask my flat mate it was on repeat for roughly two weeks... I think everyone except me was fried by the time i took mercy on them! The perfect song. Rather one of the few songs that i say and think are PERFECT!
When I sit alone, come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh
When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more - time to decide on.
Well it's kiliing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to belive that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
Come back and hey oh,
look at what I say oh
The more I see the less I knowThe more I like to let it go - hey oh, woah...
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Finally divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go;
Inbetween the cover of another perfect wonder and it's so white as snow,
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.Ho!
Went to descend to ammend for a friend of the channels that had broken down.
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up - just to hear you sing it out.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky,
And I do belive what we rely on,
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrificeHey oh...
Listen what I say ohI got your hey oh...
listen what I say oh
The more I see, the less I knowThe more I like to let it go - hey oh woah...
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Finally divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go
Inbetween the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Finaly divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go.
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow...
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey oh yeah oh yeah... tell my love now
Hey yeah yeah... oh yeah
Red Hot Chilli Peppers, somehow always manage to define my state of mind perfectly. I love this song and it's lyrics... Ask my flat mate it was on repeat for roughly two weeks... I think everyone except me was fried by the time i took mercy on them! The perfect song. Rather one of the few songs that i say and think are PERFECT!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Government Hospitals and Internships....
I work in the Psychiatrics Ward in the local gov’t hospital. I don’t know how many of you have ever been to AIIMS or Moolchand or Safdarjung or any other government hospital, so I don’t know how many of you will be able to relate with what I say or write rather! The government hospital I’m interning at is like all other Indian government operations, if not worse. Imagine starting your day at work with the sight of a dog peeing at the door of the building. Yes it is a hospital. The entire hospital is spread out over an area of some ten acres. That means individual buildings for most of the departments including the various wards. And a kitchen building, which also houses the department of biomedical waste disposal! Again yes it is a hospital. My OPD is on the first floor sandwiched between the ophthalmic OPD and the neonatal unit. There are three doctors, who sit here, and about ten interns (including me) and residents. So, it’s like this that this department has been around for some 50 years, and the hospital has been around for some 90 years. And I do believe that since the day it started it has not been cleaned or maintained. For the third time yes it is still a hospital for humans. I go to work on just (thank god) two days in the week. And trust me when I say this that those two days are enough. The very first day I went there I was sent to the ward to “observe” patients. The word is in quotes because we were the only ones doing it. The staff nurse and the head nurse and the resident were busy chit chatting about the TV programs. It is sad I know, but that is life. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that there were about ten men and seven women in front of me who had lost most of their mental faculties and had no idea where they were and in some cases who they were, when the doctor came for rounds. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C that is the only word I can use to describe the experience. The patients were treated like bugs under scrutiny by them. It shocked me. In all my life I never thought that the problems of another person could be looked upon so dispassionately by the very people to whom they had gone to for the solutions.
Strange Things Happen....
It’s strange how you only miss something when it’s gone. No matter how precious you claim someone or something to be, you only realize their value when they’re gone. All this while you just ignore the fact that you hold within your grasp a wonderfully precious person, a friendship so rare and sweet that it starts seeming to be too good to come true. And it’s right there with you, until one day you make a small error, and like grains of sand it slips right out of your hand. And you don’t realize it. Because you are still sitting and basking in the glory of having found someone so nice and perfect. Love is a different ball game all together. I am talking pure unadulterated friendship. The kind that makes you feel that there is still hope in this heartless world. And one day the beautiful world created by that friendship shatters because of one tiny nudge by you. And more often than not you blame the other person. Not me. I know and realize my mistake, a few careless words and the friend of a lifetime is lost. Gone like the wind. Apologies don’t work, begging doesn’t work, pleading doesn’t work. And you wonder what kind of a person doesn’t give a second chance. Doesn’t give one more chance at redemption. Just a few minutes of their time so you can justify yourself. And then the doubts start… what sort of a person are they that they would not give a friend a chance to explain, did the friendship mean nothing?? Did all those times running around for them, helping them, struggling for them mean nothing to them?
Monday, June 11, 2007
The Window Pane...
The glass pane of my bedroom window is rattling... And my over active imagination is going bonkers(that incidently is also the name of one of my closests friend's very crazy dog!!) Wat could be rattling the glass pane of my bedroom window?? Was it the wind?? Was it an earthquake?? Was it a ghost?? Is there someone on the outside trying to get inside???
And all of this i can relate to my life! strange how seemingly mundane things can be equated with earth shattering realities of life. The winds of change rattle the very core of my being. I hate change, and it's happening to me with every minute that passes. There is a quaking of my universe(cannot say earthquake since i am not the earth...), my own personal space.... It's being rattled by something... I can't quite place what! The ghosts of my past still haunt me and rattle the doors of my soul. There is someone on the outside of my being, on the very periphery of my existence, who is trying to get inside.... Trying to invade personal space guarded with a vengeance, for i'm not a very forth coming person when it comes to sharing myself.
And all of this i can relate to my life! strange how seemingly mundane things can be equated with earth shattering realities of life. The winds of change rattle the very core of my being. I hate change, and it's happening to me with every minute that passes. There is a quaking of my universe(cannot say earthquake since i am not the earth...), my own personal space.... It's being rattled by something... I can't quite place what! The ghosts of my past still haunt me and rattle the doors of my soul. There is someone on the outside of my being, on the very periphery of my existence, who is trying to get inside.... Trying to invade personal space guarded with a vengeance, for i'm not a very forth coming person when it comes to sharing myself.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
At The Beginning
We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you
No one told me
I was going to find you
Unexpected
What you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start
Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
We were strangers
On a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true
Now here we stand
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you
I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart
Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
The lyrics of a song copied quite shamelessly.... Pasted here equally shamelessly... But with a lot of pride for every word goes out to someone. Each word holds true for someone with someone... A useless endeavour but a satisfying one nonetheless....
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you
No one told me
I was going to find you
Unexpected
What you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start
Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
We were strangers
On a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true
Now here we stand
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you
I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart
Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
The lyrics of a song copied quite shamelessly.... Pasted here equally shamelessly... But with a lot of pride for every word goes out to someone. Each word holds true for someone with someone... A useless endeavour but a satisfying one nonetheless....
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Adios!
This post is specially for someone. This year seems to be one of goodbyes... God knows I've had my fair share of them... But then again i guess the share extends to more people. Eleven years is a long time to know someone. It all started that fateful day in VIth standard. I entered the class room with a certain amount of wariness... Unsure of what the future held in store for me. Trying to decide which seat to take my eye fell on one near this girl from the other section.. I had heard about her, stories better left unsaid(i make this part up to sound mysterious lol) and thought "Oh good someone almost as weird as me" and i went and sat in front of her. Her name was Aparna Dargar (still is) and she was this plump friendly looking girl who was perhaps the only one in the class to not judge me. and thus started a journey of immense friendship, love, sharing.... and amongst it all like the serpent in the garden of Eden a little pride, bitterness, disregard and a million other things that plague all friendships at some point in time or the other... But the friendship survived and flourished like a cactus bloom in the desert! (the inherent drama of my personality rears it's head!!) From 1996 to 1998 i had what one could only call the perfect friendship with Aparna. She seemed to be the only one who did not judge me, who did not desert me in loneliness(i have always been a loner in my school times... and if i mixed at all it was always with the wrong people... lol... a trait i still possess!) who kept most of my erratic behavior on track... oh we had some hilarious times fighting with the guys, the stupidity over seniors(you KNOW who I'm talking bout!!) and all those phone calls... Gawd!! Whoever said that the first sign of a teenage daughter is the increase in phone bills was probably talking about us!!!
And then came this period of utter loneliness... I had been deserted by my best friend for reasons known only to her(i did not insist and i still do not want to know) 1999 was the worst year of my life. i lost my best friend and my mother. and surprisingly (or rather not at all surprisingly) the first person in school to figure out something was wrong with me was her. i will never forget the utter relief i got in clinging to her shoulder and crying for the loss of a mother i never knew(my folks were divorced). The ice seemed to thaw a little then between her and me... But it took 2 and a half yrs for her to realise i was still the same old Sakshi, and being friends with me was not all that bad. It hurt pretty bad for those three yrs. I was bitter about the loss of my friend to other people for very long but when she came and spoke to me again I felt as if I had been holding a grudge for nothing. Truly Aparna, I might not have been the best person, I still am not, but your friendship back then meant the world to me. I don't think you ever realised the fact.
College started I shifted out of town, and the bond remained. It still remains. I still have the most awesome (and also somewhat snobbish!) friend in her. It is an amazing feeling knowing that when the world turns against you, there is someone you can call a friend and lean on. Through thick and thin, ours has been one helluva friendship!! I only wish she weren't going away so far.... The sense of security Delhi held simply because of her presence is going with her departure. You know i am not an extremely expressive person when it comes to how i feel and my inner most feelings... And this is as close as i will ever get to telling her how much her friendship meant to me still means to me.... It has survived 11 yrs of criticism and ups and downs... And I'm glad it did. Love you, sweetie!!!
Take care of yourself...
I'm sure you have realised by now that i would never be able to say all this to you. It sounds extremely lesbian(lol) but to f*** with what anyone thinks... You know as well as I do I'm completely straight!!! lol....
Cheers to eleven yrs!! And to the lifetime of friendship to come!
Monday, June 04, 2007
Words.....
It's a little bit on the strange side of life how words make such a big difference. words of love, of hatred, of peace, of desire, of want, of so many human emotions that to list them all is a gargantuan task. At so many points in time what needs to be said goes unsaid and a chasm develops. A void created by the inability of a person to see the right time to say something. Some people might say it's hard for them to express them selves. Well how can it be? When every thing you desire has been made available to you not through extra sensory perception but through your own ability to express what you want. How is it that one expects to hear words of encouragement, of love, of desire, of praise, of want..... of so many things and still at the same time claim that they can't put into words how they feel? Is it really very hard to say I love you, or I think you are wonderful, or that I admire the way you have handled things??? Is it really harder than saying I hate you, you are despicable, your life is aimless and your existence a bane??? Is it easier to express these opinions??? Why?? What is it about the negative that people find it so easy to say? How can one say your worthless and then dismiss it with out a second thought??
And yet at the same time why does it matter that someone tell you they love you when you know that they already do? Everyone goes through a phase when they feel lonely, even in a roomful of people. When they feel that feelings are not enough. When they feel the need to hear the words.
And yet at the same time why does it matter that someone tell you they love you when you know that they already do? Everyone goes through a phase when they feel lonely, even in a roomful of people. When they feel that feelings are not enough. When they feel the need to hear the words.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
A Laughing Eye and A Crying Eye...
to say good bye is the toughest thing one faces. and good bye to people who've become dear to you over the years... it's even tougher. but somethig i've to do nonetheless... after three years of living in the same town one year of living in the same room and two years of practically living in each other's places, after three years of laughs, crying, barista, mid night snacks, endless smokes, agarbati walle sutte(tht wud be 61 n 108!!!) ha ha, kaki's lari.... and numerous other memories that i dun even dare recall for fear of breaking down with laughter!! holi!! how can i forget holi!! after all this.... i'm at tht point where i have to say goodbye to someone who's manged to wedge herself very securely in my memory and my heart... my ex-roommate, and closest friend! i laugh at the good times and cry for the parting... but three cheers to our friendship!!
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