Sleepless Nights...

It’s past three in the night, I’m wide awake, trying to find sleep that is successfully evading me. So I decided to do the one thing I like to do the most, vent my frustration in words. Frustration! Now there’s a word and emotion I know everything about. Sadly it was only in the last few months that I learned so much about it. Ever been in a situation where there is a wonderfully delicious cake sitting in front of, but your mouth is taped up, and your hands are tied behind your back? That is as close as I can get to describing the feeling. You go through the day with a feeling of vagueness, and restlessness at the same time. And for the life of you, you can’t put a finger to what exactly is causing this unnatural feeling of unease. Your vitals are perfect; your surroundings are alright, you are getting food, good food. And yet in spite of all the creature comforts accorded to you, nothing seems to satisfy you. Ever felt all of this? Then you will understand to a certain extent what I feel each day. It’s hard to explain. Anyway, it’s like talking about spilt milk. I don’t know why I wrote that last bit! It just sounded really nice and intelligent. Which you might have guessed by now that I am most definitely not! Intelligence and I have had a long love-to-hate each other affair. I guess you could say that it’s one of the longest relationships I’ve had till date. Any one who knows me even a little bit would know that acting rationally, intelligently is not my forte. Ask my best friend she’ll testify to my lack of brain power! The saying common sense isn’t that common, kind of applies to me most accurately! In all my 20 odd years on earth I’ve never behaved in a manner acceptable by a person of my age. I’ve defied authority in ways inconceivable by normal beings, I’ve always leaped before I looked, always spoken first thought about my words later. You could say that is one of the reasons why as a child I never really had many friends. You know how in school and college everyone has their social groups and circles; well I was the lone ranger of all the batches, classes and groups. I’m no sociopath, so don’t get me wrong. I have friends, and some really good ones, it’s just that I’ve never really been part of a large social group. Never attended parties, never hung out at malls with a huge group of people, never gone for reunions. All these concepts are truly alien to me. While in school I was the silent ignored child sitting quietly in her corner, undisturbed by the class unless it was to be made the butt of jokes or unjustified teasing. I distinctly remember once in a PTA my class teacher had actually asked my folks if I knew how to talk! Of course I was talked about. That was simply because I was the oddity that did not belong anywhere. This feeling of being an alien to the society I was with, hung on to me, still surrounds me. I’m nearly through with my higher education, and I can still say that in all these years in college I’ve managed to remain away from the regular social groups, and circles. Always a loner. See, now don’t get me wrong again, I have friends, it’s just that all of them aren’t a group. They belong to different social circles, but I have a friend in each of them. My inability to be a diplomat is one of the reasons why I never really blended into the crowd. I always stuck out like a sore thumb. Some say I’m too blunt, and some say I’m just plain weird. It really isn’t my fault I had divorced parents, and that it was always my grandmother who came to take my report cards. But these things made a difference. How does one explain at the age of 6 that her parents chose to stop living together? How does one explain at the age if 12 that her father was dating her primary class teacher? It’s a bit irrational to expect kids of that age to understand the intricacies of human behavior. And as a result, I ended up the odd one out. Now it would have been completely different, if my mother had just simply died. Then maybe, just maybe things would have been different. Instead, here I was, 6 years old and the product of a broken household and a dysfunctional family. Oh dear! I’m rambling now. Anyway, so like I was saying I’ve basically been a loner. So why now when I’m sitting ALONE at home at 4 am, does the thought of being alone scare me so much? I wonder. Every one has their days, I guess it just wasn’t mine, and I’m guessing tomorrow in spite of being a Sunday won’t be mine either. Thank heaven for the fact that in a week and half I’m off for a break. Maybe that will help. Oh! Who am I kidding? Nothing will. Oh! Dear now I’ve written too much. I think I’ll stop here, before I write something I’ll regret writing and reading later! If there is one I detest, it’s regretting!

Home is Behind...

Home is behind the world ahead,
And there are many paths to tread,
Through shadow to the edge of night,
Until the stars are all alight.

Mist and shadow,
Cloud and shade,
All shal fade,
All shall fade.

The Anvil

"I was made like the anvil solid
I can take the blows as they come
But the hammer must reel
To my tempered steel,
I'll be here when the hammers are done."

- R.G. Stewart (The Anvil, 1941)

Street Side...

Sitting on the street side, on a tea stall, I watch as life, all types and forms of it, passes by. With a disinterested, dispassionate gaze I look upon the throng of humanity as it hustles about busy in work, in going somewhere, in meeting someone, in life… I take a sip of my tea, Ughhhh it tastes BAD today! There are all manners of people standing around me. Well all of them aren’t standing, some are sitting as well. And yet, they do not pique my interest today. Two months back, I would be sitting here, more interested in them than in drinking my tea. Today, even my tea doesn’t hold my attention. I can feel the stares upon me. I can feel the thoughts directed my way. Who is she? What’s she doing sitting alone? Is she easy? The regular male way of thinking. I can finally understand why women don’t come here alone. And Oh! God! I’m going to create a bigger stir of interest in a few minutes when I light my cigarette. And you know what? I don’t give a FUCK. To hell with the throng of lecherous men directing all their lecherous psychic energy towards me. Gawd! Men! Can’t live with em, can’t live with out em! To hell with it, here goes, interest stirred, cigarette lit. Oh look… my body guards are finally here… later then… ciao!

Out Of My Mind

Light a candle, lay flowers at the door
For those who're left behind and the ones who've gone before
Here it comes now, sure as silence follows rain,
The taste of you upon my lips, the fingers in my brain
Ever gentle, as it kills me where i lay
Who am i to resist, who are you to fail?

Got to get you out of my mind
But i can't escape from the feeling
As i try to leave the memory behind
Without you what's left to believe in?

Could be so sorry, for the way it had to go
But now i feel your presence in a way i could not know
And i wonder, do you ever feel the same?
In whispering darkness, do you ever here my name?

here in the back of your mind
here in the back of your mind

And how could you dare,
To become so real
Become so real..
When you're just a ghost in me
And i've....

Got to get you out of my mind
But i can't escape from the feeling
As i try to leave the memory behind
Without you what's left to believe in?

Here in the back of your mind
Deep in the back of your mind
Here in the back of your mind
Deep in the back of your mind
Deep in the back of your mind...

-Duran Duran

The Saint

And when the shafts of pure light
Dance in her eyes,
I see my angel for the first time,
I know my purpose, feel my birth,
Hear, at first faintly, then distinctly,
The sweet strains of our union.
Our loves heats up the cold universe,
Gives my tired, desperate hope a
Reason and season to be revealed.
We purified by our kisses,
Are eternally healed.

- Thomas Moore
The Saint.

I wish......

Pushing People Away...

I had written the following few lines a long time ago, in a stoned haze... I never knew they'd be thrown back at me with such force at point blank range....

Peaople are strange..
They fear death, yet they carve their way to hell with their own two God given hands.
They fear failure, yet they percieve success as too minor.
They fear hate, yet they do everything possible possible not only to make others hate them,
But also reach a stage where they hate themselves.
So much so, that the mirror becomes a fearful entity.
And then they wonder where they went wrong.

Pushed away my dear and near ones with my own god given hands, did i? I don't give a shit. If they got pushed away, they were hardly near and dear ones.... Ha Ha Ha Ha..... Near and dear ones, MY ASS!

P.S. Whenthese lines had been sent to me by someone else, i had thot it had hit me and i had fallen. I'm up and fighting again! Stronger than ever before.

A Not So Average Day

So here I am stuck in the elevator alone. Sweet! It all started this morning when I did not wake up with the alarm. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a slacker or a lazy bum, at least not when it is time to get up for THE job interview of my life. But today for some reason I did not wake up with the first tinkle of the alarm clock, nor did its incessant ringing break me out of my dream. Oh! Yes of course the dream. How can I forget the dream? I am a self confessed dreamer. I live more in my dream world than in reality. Not a particularly good thing to be doing, considering that I’m more often than not quite rudely pulled out of my state of parallel existence, usually to find myself either on my rear on the floor(or road!) or in a situation where all eyes are on me waiting for me to speak and I’m a million miles away. Embarrassing. Extremely embarrassing. Sort of like the time in a movie hall when you anticipate a loud moment in the movie and decide to speak loudly to make yourself heard and the movie decides to silence out. Of course then not only the people sitting with you hear you, but the entire auditorium has an insight to your opinion!! That is my life. So like I was saying I did not wake up with the alarm. Instead my brain broke out of sleep one and a half hour after the time I was due to wake up. Sheesh… so me, a person who is obsessively methodological, slow and organized ended up rushing through my morning routine (I must admit here that I hate rushing through anything) got dressed, locked up and called for the elevator (my house is on the seventh floor). Of course of all the times for the lift to be jammed on the ground floor it had to be today, when I was in a hurry that it actually was jammed. Cursing a blue streak, I ran down the stairs, only to reach the complex entrance and find no auto rickshaws there. (My father refuses to trust me with anything that moves and that needs to be operated on the street as conveyance. I am 22 yrs old in case you’re wondering.) So I ended up walking nearly a kilometer before I came by a rickshaw. By now I was good 45 minutes late. I called my future employer and made some very random excuses. (I don’t think she quite believed me, but by now I did not care, I just wanted to reach the office before lunch hour!) Well just when I thought things were getting along just fine, something had to happen. What I still fail to understand is why the hell did I not see it coming and anticipate it? I mean Murphy’s most basic Law was written with me in mind. The rickshaw broke down. It just stopped, along with my heartbeat. “Sorry Madam gas over.” Said the poor hapless driver. I did not blame him, though I did indulge in a slanging match with him. It was just not my day. These things pick the damnedest time to happen. Why today? Why when I need to make an impression? (all chances of which had been shot to hell by now, by the way) anyway, I managed to get a grip on my anger, (with A LOT of difficulty might I admit, deep breaths counting till ten… no make that a hundred et all) and got out of the useless rickshaw (all the while cursing my dad for his lack in faith in me, though I have to admit, it might not have made much of a difference, considering the current state of affairs and the way things were going. The car would probably have given up on me, the kinetic would probably have run out of gas as well, and the bicycle… well… it would probably have crash landed against the divider, with me still on it, mind you.) Now here is the tough part, the stupid vehicle had run out of gas in an area of the city where there wasn’t another rickshaw in sight for miles. So I walked. It’s what I invariably end up doing in situations like this. This should give you an insight into my sorry state of affairs (on GOOD days, when I did not have interviews to attend). Eventually I did get another rickshaw, after miles of walking, it did seem like miles. Oh! And did I mention, it was raining? My brand new salwar kameez was now limp and hanging on my persona, and to top it all off, dripping color. Dripping color, I tell you. When one spends nearly a fortune on clothes like these the least one expects is that the color wouldn’t run. But what can I say? I repeat, it was just one of those days. I did finally reach the office, a full two hours late. The irony of it all was that, owing to the rains they had called off the interview, because most of the candidate had failed to turn up!! Just my luck! Sigh… now to trudge back home. I walked in the rain, in for a dime in for a dollar. Only by this time my luck seemed to have improved, a friend of mine working for the same company was in possession of a car and offered to drop me back. It was a run down beat up old thing, so I guess my being wet and dripping color did not make much difference. I did look at the vehicle a little skeptically. Will it break down mid way? It did not. We reached my apartment complex, I thanked my friend, got out of the car and made a dash for the building (frankly I had out run my endurance to water). I decided not to risk the elevator in case it got stuck somewhere and did not reach the ground floor. I climbed stairs. Yes I climbed seven stories up. I reached my floor huffing and puffing and completely out of breath. It was not funny. And it was then that I realized that I had left my mobile phone and wallet in my friend’s car. Of all the moronic things to do. To hell with it, I thought. I’ll take it later. Luckily for me, the elevator stopped at my floor just then, with my poor friend in it.

To be continued......

Fractions of Seconds....

It’s strange the way things work out, the way events taint your perceptions, the way one look from someone can make you feel like the queen of hearts or the jack of none. People change, places change, view points shift, hell civilizations fall. Stars are born every day, life is created and universes are destroyed in fractions of seconds. And yet life strangely goes on. To quote John Hammond, “Life finds a way”. It rains today like it’ll never stop, and tomorrow dawns bright and sunny. Somewhere a hurricane passes leaving a trail of destruction, chaos and death in its wake and in another place a baby is born, life is created. There exists a balance of very strange kind in the universe, unknown to us, unexplained to us, incomprehensible by us. Every day someone falls in love and someone crash lands out of it. Somewhere war ravages humanity and in another place humanity celebrates peace. All in a fraction of a second, in different universes. And yet something upsets the balance and it’s never the same again. Life goes on, but everything is different. Like a kaleidoscope, turn it and a different picture takes form in front of your eyes. And yet it’s all so relative, so open to interpretation, so crystal clear, yet so encrypted. It’s the same kaleidoscope, with the same pieces of paper in it, but on twist and the form they make changes. The pieces shuffle creating something different, something that never again goes back to the original form. The alteration is so deep and different that nothing of the original remains and you sit and wonder what the hell happened. Like I mentioned earlier, people change, places change, view points shift, civilizations fall, all in fractions of seconds, and over millennia of years. Change is instaneous, yet it’s the slowest process that happens. You can wake up feeling at the top of the world and go to bed feeling like the scum of the world.

Waiting For Mails That Never Came....

I came to the internet cafe because I had a dream last night that a certain someone had emailed me. Of course there was no mail in my inbox. But I don't believe it. I actually fell for the whole dream thing. I've been waiting for this email for five days now. And the wait's killing me.

Mother Nature....

Well.... I cut my nails today finally, so it has become a lot easier to type! He he he... What can I say, I go through phases where I want to grow them and look like a woman, and then one fine day wake up in the morning with an insane urge to rip them out! It's the same story with my hair... Sigh.. A regular tug-of-war with my baser female instincts and the superficial want to ape a man. Each has it's phase. You can't say i'm not fair!
Anyway... It rained last night. Torrential, tropical rain. Thunder, lightening, nearly gale force wind... The works! For a moment it looked as if mother nature was trying to assert her presence and the fact that we are inspite of all techonological advances still at her merciless hand. Maybe a warning against global warming, maybe just an outlet of her anger at the race that has destroyed her beauty and defiled the planet with toxic waste and concrete jungles. What ever it was, it was glorious. A blatant display of power and authority. For nearly two hours the city came to a stand still and became redundant.
I of coures was out at the time the storm hit the city. And ended up taking refuge under the tent of an andaa lari! It was an extremely amusing situation, exactly the kind of thing that happens to me. Caught in the middle of a lightening strom under a tent rigged up with the support of a tree!! Ha ha ha.... I noticed it after the rain slowed down a bit. Within minutes of rain the street was a tiny river and me and the friend i was stuck with were perched atop a stone placed against the wall by the road. We did not realise at the time we stood on it that we might have to wade through the river to get to the bike. Strange how these small things that matter so much go unnoticed! So here i was standing awestruck waiting to be struck! For nearly an hour and a half we stood there talking trying to ignore the fact that once it slows down, we will have to ride on a bike through muck, slush, splashes from other bikes, and rain. And believe me we did all that, including wading through ankle deep water wearing brand new ADIDAS shoes... Sigh.... Hopefully daddy is not reading this.
And when we eventually did get home we realised if only we'd waited it out at Barista we'd have been dry, warm and human by the time we got back. Not wet, cold, shivering and looking like something the cat dragged in backwards....

Turn The Page.

To some this song will probably sound all wrong here, considering that it's video is based on the life of a strip dancer/hooker, but to me these lyrics mean a lot. They hold a lot of meaning to me, for this is exactly how I've felt at times.

On a long and lonesome highway east of Omaha
You can listen to the engines moaning out as one note song
You think about the woman or the girl you knew the night before

But your thoughts will soon be wandering the way they always do
When you're riding sixteen hours and there's nothing much to do
And you don't feel much like riding, you just wish the trip was through

Here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on the stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page

So you walk into this restaurant strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you, as you re shaking off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you, but you just want to explode

Yeah, most times you cant hear em talk, other times you can
All the same old cliches, is it woman? is it man?
And you always seem outnumbered, you don't dare make a stand
Make your stand

Here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on the stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page

Oo-ooh, out there in the spotlight, you're a million miles away
Every ounce of energy you try to give away
As the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play, yeah

Later in the evening, you lie awake in bed
With the echoes of the amplifiers ringing in your head
You smoke the days last cigarette, remembering what she said
What she said

He-ey

Yeah

And here I am - on the road again
There I am - up on a stage
Here I go - playing star again
There I go - turn the page
There I go - turn that page
There I go, yeah, yeah
There I go, yeah, yeah
There I go, yeah
There I go, yeah
There I go, oo-oo-ooh
There I go
And I'm gone......


And I'm truly gone. The video has these lines that i think i can identify with, that i do identify with.- "If I had to start my life all over again I would make the exact same choices I've made. I think I would make them because of the woman that I am, and the things I've learned from making the choices I have. I'm proud of who I am."
My life has been nothing short of one long performance, and the words of this song are just how it's been at times.

Lonely No More....

I had never imagined that talking to my grandparents could be so cathartic and soothing. I am going through a crisis of sorts, again. I’ve never let anyone know my feelings, my thoughts, and my motives for my actions. I’ve always acted first and thought later. And today for the second time in my life I doubt my actions, nearing the point where I am going to regret my choices. I don’t know what to do anymore. For the first time in my life I am questioning the person I am. I’ve never given a damn to what the world thought of me or my actions. I’ve been a loner so long that all the emotions I’ve suppressed all this time are pouring out in weird manners. I’ve been a loner so long that I’ve forgotten how to share myself. My existence is beginning to resemble an empty shell. Why? I’ve never been upset about myself. I’ve never felt the need to conform to norms, to be nice, to be normal. Then why now? My path ahead is rocky and hard and I’m walking barefoot. I know that at the end lies happiness the likes of which I have only dreamed of, yet my steps falter. I’ve never felt the need for someone in my life quite as desperately as I am feeling it now. I am hurting, hurting badly. But that is not a feeling alien to me, I’ve hurt for as long as can remember. I’ve had wounds inflicted upon me time and again, wounds that have been reopened numerous times. But never has the pain affected me so much. Never have I felt it with this intensity, this severity. Too much pain. I feel incomplete. I am unable to draw strength from my solitude anymore. My solitude. Solitude that was once my best companion that is now beginning to look like a joke, like an enemy. Why? It’s stifling me, this loneliness. And yet alone I shall remain for a long time yet. A very long time. I need to find it in me to befriend myself again, to become my best friend again, to stop looking at the mirror and hating the person I see. I need to be able in the morning and feel like I’m starting on a brand new day. And yet I’m scared of this loneliness. What if when it’s time to give it up, when it’s time to find solace in the arms of another I am not able to? What if I cling to it then? What then? I don’t want to be alone. This loner business needs to stop before it drives me out of my mind and makes me raving lunatic who is in essence a social outcast. Liked by no one, loved by no one, wanted by no one. Who likes no one, loves no one, and wants no one.

Companion or Loner?

Poetry And Matrimonials!

I’m not much of a poet. But there have been times in the past when the poet in me has been drawn out by a slight over indulgence in the spirits. Well it so happened that a few months back I was in Delhi and had had to go all the way to Mathura to attend some wedding function of a friend. Yes my friends the traitors have started getting married. Unfortunately these events have got my poor harassed father very worried and have forced him to start looking through the matrimonial columns of the newspapers. Sad state of affairs but facts remain, my father is a worry wart and shall continue to take random decisions such as this one. Anyway getting back to the point in hand, poetry. So we had gone to this wedding function in Mathura. You know it’s really unfair that he should go through matrimonials. MATRIMONIALS. I mean it’s not as if we will never find men for ourselves (I have a younger sister!) or that the men we do eventually find and want to keep will be complete nincompoops! It’s almost as if he doesn’t trust us at all. I mean what cheek man! Ughhh… I’m deviating from the topic again. So like I said we were at this function and there were drinks there. So obviously, me being me, I was attracted to the bar like a moth is attracted to light. Of course without the knowledge of my poor hapless father. So before the night was over I had managed to over imbibe in the spirits and was a little tipsy and in an extremely poetic mood. So what follows is drunken romanticism. I think it’s pretty neat for someone without a poetic bone in their body.

Stranger in a strange land,
With endless avenues at hand,
It’s hard to decide,
To find some peace of mind,
With so much going on inside

With Orion leading the way,
It’s hard not to say.
The night is beautiful,
An illusion for the fool.
Seducing the unwary,
Abusing the weary.

Star light in the sky,
The moon shining bright.
A meandering road speckled by the light.
We drive through the night,
Without our destination in sight.
Just the star light, just the moon light.

Ha ha ha ha…. Interesting or what? I’m feeling quite pleased with myself. I mean I have never been poetically inclined… and here is a piece of genius! My mind works in strange manners. Well this out of the way, I’m not one to boast too much. Now to address the more serious issue at hand. My soon to expire single status! You know in the 2 decades that I’ve been on this earth; I’ve realized one thing with certainty and without a shadow of doubt. No matter how cool your parents pretend to be, they WILL meddle in your life. I mean I was living a normal happy-go-lucky existence until my father dropped this mega power dung bomb on me. Marriage??? I mean like hello?? I’m barely out of the cradle and he wants to push me out of his house??? Ok ok so I’m 22 yrs old. Cool. Does that mean he starts going through matrimonials? MATRIMONIALS??? Sheesh man those are for the really desperate ones. Not for cool calm composed (not!) people/girls like me. He had threatened to make a profile for me on bharatmatrimony.com. But I’d brushed that off as a bad joke. And it was a long time ago. A very long time ago. Gosh! I never realized he was actually serious. Do you realize the implications of all this?? Do you??? Does anyone know what this means???? I’m going to be made to go through reams of photographs and sit through thousands of vital statistics. Family addresses, numbers, sun signs, favorite colors, height weight, jockey sizes…. You get the drift?? Ok maybe the jockey size was stretching it a bit! Alright the jockey size was a too much, but you never know. More marriages have broken because of lack in size of a certain part of the male anatomy! Anyway, beside the point again. I am distracted tonight! So the torture of choosing a suitable boy starts! Sigh… parents and their whims… I mean why we ALWAYS have to cater to them. There is just never a way out! Pathetic is what I call this! But I guess it is ok. I mean all I am sacrificing is my peace of mind, my single status, my freedom, and my carefree life. Not a lot. Ya right! Fool someone else! Yaaaaa…. Annoying! Have to find a way to slip out of this one. Any ideas?!!

Unfaithful...

The past few weeks have thrown light on a lot aspects of my personality. I finally found something that explains it best...

The sight of you,
rent the heaven in two.
The gasp in your voice
could do that too.
That the sky would fall
with a telephone call.
And leave me standing in an empty hall.
So folly runs like wine
but the empty glass is mine.
You leave no choice
save the last taste of brine.

Envoi

It was you,
that poisoned the morning dew

It's perfect. And this is how i am! According to a few people i shall not name. Tough. Take it or Leave it. I don't give a F***. I love myself, and to hell with what anyone says or thinks! So......
The people who matter know the true me.

The Angel....

I passed death on the street today. I was crossing the road, and the next thing I knew I was lying innate on the asphalt, seeing stardust behind my closed eyelids. I lay there, wondering whether I can actually feel every part of me. I think except my head I felt everything. I opened my eyes to a slit, and a woman was standing over me looking down at my face. She is so beautiful came the unbidden thought. She extended one soft cold hand towards me, and I reached out to take it. My hand was a millimeter from hers when her face contorted to an ugly shriek and she was pulled away, as if sucked into a vortex. And suddenly standing in front of me was an angel so ugly the only links to him being an angel were the wings and the halo. There was nothing beautiful about this carrier of good. A twisted contorted ugly scarred face, that seemed to constantly sneer. “It’s not your time, child” he said in a voice that could only do justice to horror movies. It was a guttural sound that seemed to emit from the very depth of his being. A growl fierce enough to scare the living day lights out of any god fearing man. In my case it was that voice that pulled me out of the trance. I opened my eyes to see a horde of people collectively release a sigh of relief at my seemingly normal reaction. Apparently I had been unconscious for a long time. I tried to sit up and found that I did not have the will to. My eyes scanned the crowd gathered around me, and I saw that face again. The twisted features trying a smile of encouragement. And at the other end stood the lady, looking at me longingly, willing me to give up. I could feel the emotions emitting from her, the emotions that longed for my soul. With a deep breathe I sat up. It cost me, oh how it cost me to sit up. But I did it. I sat up and saw the woman being sucked back into what seemed to me a swirl that resembled a vortex, I heard her scream of frustration. Strangely no one around me seemed to have heard it or seen her. The man was still there, and I swear I felt a gentle nudge that could only have come from the energy humming around him, and I stood up. And there in front of me the angel took off on his wings, the last glance I got of him was that of his face, which was now a beautiful cherubic face. Sigh…. It was not my time to go he had said, but damn it had felt so nice to just give up and follow the lady. And yet when I got up, I felt more alive than I had felt ever before. It was as if someone had filled me up with positive energy so strong that there was a buoyancy in my step. I brushed my jeans picked up my bag, and walked off through the crowd, ignoring its shouts of concern. I was alive and I was complete. That was all that mattered. The wounds could be looked into later, could be licked later. There was enough time for all that. At the moment I was rejoicing in the feeling of being gloriously alive again. Life is ugly, but a shift in the angle of the kaleidoscope can make all the difference. Death is beautiful, but only from afar. I was alive that is all I cared about. And as if the heavens wanted to send me a sign, it started to rain, torrential rainfall. With a sun blazing down on mother earth, was it just my imagination or was that really the sun in all its glory? I didn’t care. The rain soaked me to my skin, and I was alive!

Determination....

My blog is quick resembling that of an acutely depressed suicidal person.... Life!
BUT..... All shall change, soon. I feel I am finally closer to finding my answers, finding my path, finding my self. I am going to let go of a lot of things, a lot of people, and I am going to ask a few things to leave me, a few people to leave.
One day i shall fly higher than the hawk.

Of City Lights And Alcohol.....

I am sitting alone at home. On the bench near the window in my room. My flat is on the seventh floor of the building. And the view is amazing. City lights blazing in all their glory. I’m listening to old Hindi movie songs, that is old by my standards, you know like Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar, Aankhen, Aks Taal and the like… you get the drift rite? I’m five drinks down and still numb. And that is a very strange thing to be happening to me, since I’m the kind who is flying after two drinks! Today the numbness refused to go, refused to leave me alone. Have you ever felt like you are in a limbo? A state of existence that can’t really be called existing? Have you ever felt like you are in a time warp, where everything moves in slow motion, and there is a strangely uncanny feeling of sureality? A feeling of being there yet at the same time not being there? I tried the age old method of trying to get rid of these feelings: - alcohol. It isn’t helping, at all. I am still in a state of non existence. My brain is working, my heart is beating, my involuntary functions are normal. But my feelings are blunt. I, a person who takes pride in calling herself sensitive and emotional, am emotionally numb. Dead inside. It seems as if life is passing me by and I’m standing still watching it go by. I ate food without tasting it, I had a bath without feeling clean at the end of it, I watched a movie without really enjoying it, I listened to my favorite music without it having the calming effect on me that is usually does, I walked for three hours without feeling like I did, I lay down in bed completely awake, waiting for sleep that refused to come, I stood in my room for hours today without realizing where I was what I was doing. And yet there is an inner turmoil raging and wrecking havoc on my peace of mind. I can’t seem to be able to ignore it. My brain works in one direction my heart in another. Bitch of the matter is that I don’t even have the guts to pick up that razor lying in front of me, that is suddenly looking very friendly, and ending it all. I tried, god knows I tried. But like I mentioned earlier I am a weak kneed lily livered milksop who runs like the hounds of Baskerville are on her tail at the mere mention of pain. And yet at the same time I am always in pain, physical and emotional, with an alarmingly high tolerance of it. Maybe that is why I run from more of it. I can’t seem to decide what to do, and what not to. And in the process I am ending up doing all the wrong things, and sinking deeper in the quick sand of troubles and problems. And yet at the same time I can’t seem to gather the courage to do anything about getting out of it. I don’t seem to mind sinking deeper; till it crosses my head and I go into non existence. The will to do anything about what I am going through is just not there. I am alone, I was born alone and I’ve lived alone so far. I have lost a mother to depression that caused her to take her life, I’ve lost a father to a woman who is slowly sucking the life out of him, I’ve lost friends because of my own actions, actions that I do not in any way regret. I should be used to loneliness by now should I not? And yet something in me craves for attention, for love that is only for me and no one else. Craves it so badly that it is becoming more and more difficult to simply exist by the minute. I wait for that one person in my life who would just look at me, or hear my voice and know what is going on inside me. Someone who would love me with all my flaws, all my imperfections, someone who would not ask me to change, someone for whom I am the only girl in the world. I crave for this kind of love for myself. Unconditional and complete. I’ve waited twenty two years for it, for all the love care and affection I never had from anyone, and it still eludes me. As a child I yearned for the love of a mother, as an adolescent I yearned for the love of a father who would not expect me to do excessively well in academics, as an adult now I yearn for the love of a man for whom no one but I exist. The catch in the situation is that after two decades of existing I am not sure I will be able reciprocate in full. I am emotionally numb. I have a lot of hurt, remorse, hate, sadness, melancholic feelings, vengeance and a lot of other very negative feelings in me right now. I am not sure if I will ever find someone who will try to change this. And very honestly I have given up. Ahhh…. The alcohol takes effect now. Seven patialas later…. Sweet! Kill me. Love me. Hate me. Care for me. Look out for me. Anything something… look at me… I am here… standing alone on the edge of a cliff. Stop me from dropping down. Give me a reason to live and enjoy. Give me a reason to not repeat the mistakes of others, to not repeat my own mistakes. Tell me I am alive, and I need to live. I am screaming for it, without a sound coming out of my mouth; hear my silent screams of agony. Help me…..

Liberation

Someone once told me that a bald woman is a liberated woman. I should be bald by that definition. But I am not because I guess I'm not as liberated yet. But I do know this much that I don't give a flying f*** to what anyone thinks of me or my actions. They are my own and not forced upon me. I chose to act the way I did and the consequences are exactly what I had expected them to be (at the back of my mind). I lost a few friends due to my actions and I do not regret it, for if they think I am capable of doing what I did with the reasons they think I had then I do not consider them worthy enough of my friendship. I am taking control of my life. I am arriving. I am the best. I am a woman who has finally found her way. I am free of all boundaries. I am rid of all my problems. I am free to do what I want. FINALLY.
Color me RED.

Incoherence

A long time ago I had some friends. And they betrayed my trust to someone else. It had hurt a lot. And I had taken a long time to overcome the hurt. Back then I had written something of what I had felt and forgotten about it. Until recently, I found that piece of writing. I was made to realize by someone I had just met that I can write what I want to, and to fuck with the world. So what follows are the incoherent ramblings of a 16 year old.

There are times in life when you just cannot trust everybody. Times when people you think you can trust are the ones who betray you. And it is this betrayal that hurts more than a stranger’s betrayal, hurts like hell and makes you feel like shit. Life introduces us to many types of people. But when it introduces you to them it does not say “look buddy here’s a guy you can trust”. It just leaves that part of the introduction out. One’s judgment of another’s character is more often than not wrong. They say never judge a book by its cover, but isn’t that precisely the thing that makes you pick up the book and start reading? Only to find out that that particular book was the worst of the lot. The same goes for people. But isn’t it a fact that a man shows only that side of himself that he wants to show? One can never be too sure of oneself. You cannot be sure of the fact that the person you trust the most won’t betray you, won’t cheat on you, and won’t let you down. I’m saying all this because I’ve been betrayed by all those I loved, liked and trusted. I don’t know how people do that. Doesn’t their conscience rankle them, tell them that playing with another’s emotions is wrong? Till date all my life people have taken me for granted, always had the kind of attitude towards me that one has towards a faithful dog. Taken for granted I believe is the phrase. And that’s all I’ve been reduced to, a support for friends who don’t give a damn one way or the other. It hurts so much to know that the people I thought liked me for what I am actually like me for only one reason: - what they can get out of me. And believe me when I say that I have nothing left to give except my pride and life, which are essentially mine. I’ve been robbed off everything I held dear to myself, my love, my care, my trust, my belief, my strength… everything is gone. Gone to people who only know how to take and not give. Maybe that is how God wanted it to be. Maybe He is trying to teach me something. But tell me after all that has happened is there really room to learn anything more? All that He has succeeded in teaching me is “never trust anyone” and “truth always, but always hurts”. Life is so unfair, and the people in it even more so. Nothing in it comes without a price and if it does, there is always a catch.

Now that I am 22, I read this and realize that the betrayal of a few friends who were not friends to begin with was not as big a deal as I made it to be. Maybe I say this because I am on the brink of betraying some people. I yet again thought I had friends. Something happened recently, something I had no control over, and something that is no one’s but my business. You know I am not a very interfering person. So when someone interferes in my life, I see red. And that is precisely what is happening. People who have absolutely no business interfering in my life are trying to take charge and run it for me. For a moment I felt I’ve lost some really nice friends. But then I realized what sort of a friend will try to make life pure hell for you? Because in my dictionary friends are supposed to help you out when you are in trouble, and scold you when you make mistakes, not take over the reins and run your life for you, and in the process torture you till the point jumping off the window of your seventh floor apartment starts sounding like a great idea. And the funny part is that the person that they are trying to “protect” from me needs no protection. He needs no one’s help to save himself from me, the big bad man eater. And the person being victimized along with me doesn’t need it at this point in their life. Fate has played a twisted game in my life, made me go through things no one should. And to top it off, given me a personality that does not allow me to get over it. I get hurt easily, I hurt others easily, and then I sit and stew over it for years. It takes me years to realize that what is gone is gone and is never going to come back. I realize I am selfish in ways that can only be justified by the fact that I need to protect myself from being hurt. I have known a lot of people in my life, and there have been a fistful that haven’t judged me, or tried to change me. I associate myself at times to a free bird that craves captivity. In the past few months I have been called selfish, irritating, self centered, attention seeking, and heartless. I can understand why anyone would say that to me. I am all of these things. Unfortunately this side of my personality comes out only around people I think would understand my reasons for being so. I accept everyone the way they are, with all their faults and flaws. What I fail to understand is why my flaws always end up being highlighted.
Hmmm it’s a long story yet… I have a lot to say, a lot to understand and a lot to do. For now I am just going to leave it at this. Even as I write this I realize there is no point really since it isn’t going to make two bits of difference in my life. Yet I ramble on like a small child craving for someone to listen to him.

Hey Oh!!!

Come to decide that the things that I tried were in my life just to get high on.
When I sit alone, come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh
When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more - time to decide on.
Well it's kiliing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to belive that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside.
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
Come back and hey oh,
look at what I say oh
The more I see the less I knowThe more I like to let it go - hey oh, woah...
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Finally divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go;
Inbetween the cover of another perfect wonder and it's so white as snow,
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.Ho!
Went to descend to ammend for a friend of the channels that had broken down.
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up - just to hear you sing it out.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky,
And I do belive what we rely on,
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrificeHey oh...
Listen what I say ohI got your hey oh...
listen what I say oh
The more I see, the less I knowThe more I like to let it go - hey oh woah...
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Finally divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go
Inbetween the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Finaly divided by a word so undecided and there's nowhere to go.
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow...
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey oh yeah oh yeah... tell my love now
Hey yeah yeah... oh yeah

Red Hot Chilli Peppers, somehow always manage to define my state of mind perfectly. I love this song and it's lyrics... Ask my flat mate it was on repeat for roughly two weeks... I think everyone except me was fried by the time i took mercy on them! The perfect song. Rather one of the few songs that i say and think are PERFECT!

Government Hospitals and Internships....

I work in the Psychiatrics Ward in the local gov’t hospital. I don’t know how many of you have ever been to AIIMS or Moolchand or Safdarjung or any other government hospital, so I don’t know how many of you will be able to relate with what I say or write rather! The government hospital I’m interning at is like all other Indian government operations, if not worse. Imagine starting your day at work with the sight of a dog peeing at the door of the building. Yes it is a hospital. The entire hospital is spread out over an area of some ten acres. That means individual buildings for most of the departments including the various wards. And a kitchen building, which also houses the department of biomedical waste disposal! Again yes it is a hospital. My OPD is on the first floor sandwiched between the ophthalmic OPD and the neonatal unit. There are three doctors, who sit here, and about ten interns (including me) and residents. So, it’s like this that this department has been around for some 50 years, and the hospital has been around for some 90 years. And I do believe that since the day it started it has not been cleaned or maintained. For the third time yes it is still a hospital for humans. I go to work on just (thank god) two days in the week. And trust me when I say this that those two days are enough. The very first day I went there I was sent to the ward to “observe” patients. The word is in quotes because we were the only ones doing it. The staff nurse and the head nurse and the resident were busy chit chatting about the TV programs. It is sad I know, but that is life. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that there were about ten men and seven women in front of me who had lost most of their mental faculties and had no idea where they were and in some cases who they were, when the doctor came for rounds. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C that is the only word I can use to describe the experience. The patients were treated like bugs under scrutiny by them. It shocked me. In all my life I never thought that the problems of another person could be looked upon so dispassionately by the very people to whom they had gone to for the solutions.

Strange Things Happen....

It’s strange how you only miss something when it’s gone. No matter how precious you claim someone or something to be, you only realize their value when they’re gone. All this while you just ignore the fact that you hold within your grasp a wonderfully precious person, a friendship so rare and sweet that it starts seeming to be too good to come true. And it’s right there with you, until one day you make a small error, and like grains of sand it slips right out of your hand. And you don’t realize it. Because you are still sitting and basking in the glory of having found someone so nice and perfect. Love is a different ball game all together. I am talking pure unadulterated friendship. The kind that makes you feel that there is still hope in this heartless world. And one day the beautiful world created by that friendship shatters because of one tiny nudge by you. And more often than not you blame the other person. Not me. I know and realize my mistake, a few careless words and the friend of a lifetime is lost. Gone like the wind. Apologies don’t work, begging doesn’t work, pleading doesn’t work. And you wonder what kind of a person doesn’t give a second chance. Doesn’t give one more chance at redemption. Just a few minutes of their time so you can justify yourself. And then the doubts start… what sort of a person are they that they would not give a friend a chance to explain, did the friendship mean nothing?? Did all those times running around for them, helping them, struggling for them mean nothing to them?

The Window Pane...

The glass pane of my bedroom window is rattling... And my over active imagination is going bonkers(that incidently is also the name of one of my closests friend's very crazy dog!!) Wat could be rattling the glass pane of my bedroom window?? Was it the wind?? Was it an earthquake?? Was it a ghost?? Is there someone on the outside trying to get inside???
And all of this i can relate to my life! strange how seemingly mundane things can be equated with earth shattering realities of life. The winds of change rattle the very core of my being. I hate change, and it's happening to me with every minute that passes. There is a quaking of my universe(cannot say earthquake since i am not the earth...), my own personal space.... It's being rattled by something... I can't quite place what! The ghosts of my past still haunt me and rattle the doors of my soul. There is someone on the outside of my being, on the very periphery of my existence, who is trying to get inside.... Trying to invade personal space guarded with a vengeance, for i'm not a very forth coming person when it comes to sharing myself.

At The Beginning

We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you
No one told me
I was going to find you
Unexpected
What you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers
On a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true
Now here we stand
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

The lyrics of a song copied quite shamelessly.... Pasted here equally shamelessly... But with a lot of pride for every word goes out to someone. Each word holds true for someone with someone... A useless endeavour but a satisfying one nonetheless....

Adios!

This post is specially for someone. This year seems to be one of goodbyes... God knows I've had my fair share of them... But then again i guess the share extends to more people. Eleven years is a long time to know someone. It all started that fateful day in VIth standard. I entered the class room with a certain amount of wariness... Unsure of what the future held in store for me. Trying to decide which seat to take my eye fell on one near this girl from the other section.. I had heard about her, stories better left unsaid(i make this part up to sound mysterious lol) and thought "Oh good someone almost as weird as me" and i went and sat in front of her. Her name was Aparna Dargar (still is) and she was this plump friendly looking girl who was perhaps the only one in the class to not judge me. and thus started a journey of immense friendship, love, sharing.... and amongst it all like the serpent in the garden of Eden a little pride, bitterness, disregard and a million other things that plague all friendships at some point in time or the other... But the friendship survived and flourished like a cactus bloom in the desert! (the inherent drama of my personality rears it's head!!) From 1996 to 1998 i had what one could only call the perfect friendship with Aparna. She seemed to be the only one who did not judge me, who did not desert me in loneliness(i have always been a loner in my school times... and if i mixed at all it was always with the wrong people... lol... a trait i still possess!) who kept most of my erratic behavior on track... oh we had some hilarious times fighting with the guys, the stupidity over seniors(you KNOW who I'm talking bout!!) and all those phone calls... Gawd!! Whoever said that the first sign of a teenage daughter is the increase in phone bills was probably talking about us!!!

And then came this period of utter loneliness... I had been deserted by my best friend for reasons known only to her(i did not insist and i still do not want to know) 1999 was the worst year of my life. i lost my best friend and my mother. and surprisingly (or rather not at all surprisingly) the first person in school to figure out something was wrong with me was her. i will never forget the utter relief i got in clinging to her shoulder and crying for the loss of a mother i never knew(my folks were divorced). The ice seemed to thaw a little then between her and me... But it took 2 and a half yrs for her to realise i was still the same old Sakshi, and being friends with me was not all that bad. It hurt pretty bad for those three yrs. I was bitter about the loss of my friend to other people for very long but when she came and spoke to me again I felt as if I had been holding a grudge for nothing. Truly Aparna, I might not have been the best person, I still am not, but your friendship back then meant the world to me. I don't think you ever realised the fact.

College started I shifted out of town, and the bond remained. It still remains. I still have the most awesome (and also somewhat snobbish!) friend in her. It is an amazing feeling knowing that when the world turns against you, there is someone you can call a friend and lean on. Through thick and thin, ours has been one helluva friendship!! I only wish she weren't going away so far.... The sense of security Delhi held simply because of her presence is going with her departure. You know i am not an extremely expressive person when it comes to how i feel and my inner most feelings... And this is as close as i will ever get to telling her how much her friendship meant to me still means to me.... It has survived 11 yrs of criticism and ups and downs... And I'm glad it did. Love you, sweetie!!!

Take care of yourself...

I'm sure you have realised by now that i would never be able to say all this to you. It sounds extremely lesbian(lol) but to f*** with what anyone thinks... You know as well as I do I'm completely straight!!! lol....

Cheers to eleven yrs!! And to the lifetime of friendship to come!

Words.....

It's a little bit on the strange side of life how words make such a big difference. words of love, of hatred, of peace, of desire, of want, of so many human emotions that to list them all is a gargantuan task. At so many points in time what needs to be said goes unsaid and a chasm develops. A void created by the inability of a person to see the right time to say something. Some people might say it's hard for them to express them selves. Well how can it be? When every thing you desire has been made available to you not through extra sensory perception but through your own ability to express what you want. How is it that one expects to hear words of encouragement, of love, of desire, of praise, of want..... of so many things and still at the same time claim that they can't put into words how they feel? Is it really very hard to say I love you, or I think you are wonderful, or that I admire the way you have handled things??? Is it really harder than saying I hate you, you are despicable, your life is aimless and your existence a bane??? Is it easier to express these opinions??? Why?? What is it about the negative that people find it so easy to say? How can one say your worthless and then dismiss it with out a second thought??
And yet at the same time why does it matter that someone tell you they love you when you know that they already do? Everyone goes through a phase when they feel lonely, even in a roomful of people. When they feel that feelings are not enough. When they feel the need to hear the words.

A Laughing Eye and A Crying Eye...

to say good bye is the toughest thing one faces. and good bye to people who've become dear to you over the years... it's even tougher. but somethig i've to do nonetheless... after three years of living in the same town one year of living in the same room and two years of practically living in each other's places, after three years of laughs, crying, barista, mid night snacks, endless smokes, agarbati walle sutte(tht wud be 61 n 108!!!) ha ha, kaki's lari.... and numerous other memories that i dun even dare recall for fear of breaking down with laughter!! holi!! how can i forget holi!! after all this.... i'm at tht point where i have to say goodbye to someone who's manged to wedge herself very securely in my memory and my heart... my ex-roommate, and closest friend! i laugh at the good times and cry for the parting... but three cheers to our friendship!!